To a New Year

       Now that life has come back to normal, I thought I'd check in and update on how I'm doing.  Mostly good.  I have loved the ability to take care of my family.  Anna has been so good and is amazingly smart and funny.  She constantly cracks us up.  We went home for Thanksgiving and stayed here, in Utah, for Christmas.  After this year, we decided that we'll plan on doing it like this every year, depending on our situation.  It was a lot of fun to doing our own traditions and Skyping with families.

      I won't lie to you though.  I've had moments of serious depression.  Looking back on what happened  makes me incredibly sad that I've cried until I felt numb.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm okay with that.  I just can't help feeling upset that it happened at all.  Especially, at times when I would have reached certain milestones.  Halloween, I would have announced publicly that I was pregnant.  The Monday before Christmas I would have been 20 weeks and finding out the gender.  It's hard to not feel a certain amount of self pity.  I know I shouldn't, but I'm imperfect. I would be completely dishonest if I said that I'm always okay.  I keep a little piece of what happened with me all the time.

      I still know that there's a someone waiting to join our family, but I don't feel the same amount of urgency that I did before.  For now, I'm taking a break from actively trying to get pregnant.  There's still a good amount of weight for me to lose, so I'm using this New Year to restart that focus.  I've already made plans and set rewards for myself (because that's how I stay motivated).  If I get pregnant before then, then I will be so happy, but I'm not planning anything.  If I don't get pregnant in a few months after losing a good amount of weight, I'll reevaluate things then.  Like I said, right now my focus is on getting back to a better figure.

      I love my little family and I'm excited for it to get bigger.  I hope that through working on my weight, I'll be able to work on my mind and bring it the peace it needs to move on.  This year will be interesting and Ty and I have made a few goals for our family.  Mostly, ways to stay active and places in Utah to go. This will give us an opportunity to get out and enjoy life more fully, together.  As Anna gets older I want her to have memories of us doing things together and I want to be able to keep those things up with any other kids we have.  Here's to a New Year!

Tender Mercies

      It's been a long time since I last wrote on this blog. Life happened. What else can I say? We had our beautiful daughter, Anna, and she has grown into a funny and spunky little toddler. She's amazing and will constantly surprise us with how smart she is. We adore her. She is such a blessing in our lives.

      After Anna was born, I knew we shouldn't wait long before trying again for another. However, I held fast to the plan of losing the weight I had gained with pregnancy before having another child. I had hoped that breast feeding would help, but it was much more of a hindrance in that way than I originally thought. It took a long time before I felt ready and I still haven't lost all the weight. When it's time, though, you can't really argue with what you know Heavenly Father has need of you to do. 

      These past few weeks have been quite out of the ordinary. I want to share my experiences and this is the safest place I could think of. I don't mind who sees it or how many, but it's not something I know how to express to a large group without coming off as trying to seek attention. That's not what this is. It's just me releasing it from myself, a way to file it away and not be consumed by it. 

      My first post on this blog, I shared my miscarriage experience. This will be somewhat different. Let me just get started. We have been trying for another baby since about February. In July, I made a stronger effort to lose weight and was doing really well and being very consistent with my workouts. Then, the Tuesday after Labor Day, when both of our parents had left to go back to Washington, I had a very strong impression to take a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE! I was only four weeks along and I knew I was setting myself up for the torture of not being able to tell anyone. However, I was just too excited that this blessing was happening. That first week I was having low back pain and couldn't control anxieties I was having about things going smoothly. I tried taking it easier and switch my workouts to prenatal yoga hoping that it would relax the tension that my body was creating. It helped some, but the pain always seemed to return in full force later on. 

      The next Tuesday morning (5 weeks) I woke up with what felt like intense gas pains. I couldn't lie down because it was so uncomfortable and even standing gave no relief. I though maybe I just needed to pass gas or go to the bathroom. I did whatever I could think of, but nothing helped. Then, I started to bleed. Not heavily, still light, but the color was either bright red or dark. This was an ominous sign to me. That what I had been hoping for was ending before it really had a chance to get started. My mind went to my earlier miscarriage and I felt no hope. By the end of the night I was sure I was experiencing yet another miscarriage. 

      The bleeding was still light in flow, but dark in color and lasted only two days. My sister-in-law had told me she had experienced the same during one of her pregnancies and I'll admit a small amount of hope return. I still couldn't could completely shake the feeling that it was over, however. The bleeding came back intermittently, in the same form. I was beginning to be frustrated. Despite wanting another child and muscle testing telling me things were fine, I felt more comfortable saying that this pregnancy had ended. That trying to hope for something that just wasn't really happening was forcing hope. We talked with Ty's dad and he confirmed with muscle testing that I had had a miscarriage. 

      Monday (6 weeks), I woke up around 5 AM, again with intense pains that I associated with gas pains. Immediately, I went into the bathroom. My abdomen was in so much pain, as well as rectal and vaginal region. I also became light headed and nauseated. I could feel the need to throw up, but was concerned that if I did, I would pass out. After trying to work through on my own for a bit, I called for Ty and he luckily heard me the first time and came to my aid. 

      I told him what I was feeling and that I needed to hold onto him for support. Eventually, I did throw up, but it did nothing to relieve my abdominal pain or the lightheadedness. After awhile, I was so exhausted and just wanted to lie down. Even though I was still in pain, with Ty's help, I was able to lay in bed and managed to get some sleep. Ty worked from home that day to take care of Anna and myself. We're really blessed that we have that option. I stayed in bed most of the day and noticed a pain in neck and shoulders had developed. I couldn't move from side to side without pain, I couldn't breathe properly. Laughing or crying caused pain. In general, I was a mess. 

      The next day, Tuesday, I felt a little better. The pain in my neck and shoulders was gone and that provided the most relief. I still had trouble standing, walking, and sitting for the most part. However, I had Visiting Teaching planned and thought I should at least try to get ready for it. In a merciful turn of events, both my partner and the lady we were to visit, cancelled and I didn't need to go. Ty was able to go to work in the afternoon and I was hopeful that I would feel better soon. 

      Wednesday morning, I continued to feel slightly better and Ty went into work. By mid afternoon, however, things reverted and it felt as bad as the first day, with the exception on the neck and shoulder pain. I couldn't lay down. The only position that provided relief was sitting on the toilet. I went back and forth from the bathroom to the living room to make sure Anna was preoccupied with enough Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I could tell things were not okay and that I needed to be looked at. I just didn't know if it should be at a clinic or the ER. I knew that Ty was going to be home a few minutes late, but when 5:30 came around, I couldn't resist calling him. It wasn't until then that I realized how bad I was really doing. In the mirror, I could  see how pale I had become in a short time and my voice sounded off as well. He answered and said he was just leaving and would go get something for dinner and would be home soon. I said okay, but inside, I wanted him to come straight home. 

      As I was on the phone with him, I could feel myself becoming more lightheaded, but thought I could breathe through it. Almost immediately after hanging up, I could feel myself falling to the ground, but don't have memory of it. Next thing I knew, Ty was calling my name from my phone. Somehow, I had called him again. I told him that he needed to come home. That something was very wrong. He said he was coming home and that I was freaking him out. I responded that I was freaking out. He asked if he needed to call an ambulance and I said maybe. He said that he was hurrying and would be home soon. We hung up and I tried to get back up to sitting on the toilet. As soon as I did, I felt myself falling again. Once again, I passed out and when I regained consciousness I was laying on the floor. I must have bit my tongue, but otherwise was unharmed. Anna had been in our room and kept walking around me acting upset. I told her to go watch her Mickey and very slowly tried to get ready to leave. 

      When Ty came home, I told him I was not okay. He took Anna down into the car and then came back to get me and anything we would need. As we walked down the stairs, I told Ty that I had a suspicion it was a ectopic pregnancy because many of my symptoms fit. The drive to the hospital was not pleasant as every bump caused me pain. When we arrived at the ER, Ty helped me to a seat and then went to park the car and bring in Anna. As soon as I sat down, it felt like I was going to pass out, yet again. Before I knew it, nurses were helping me up and onto a gurney and rolling me away to an ER room. Immediately, they started hooking me up to all kinds of things in both arms. Ty had told them when he walked in that I had had a positive pregnancy test and was now having abdominal pain (which is why I was taken care of so swiftly). The ER doctor asked me about it and I explained what had happened and that I thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy. 

      She did a quick ultrasound and then brought in an ultrasound tech to do a more thorough one to confirm. I was doing fine and then they put a triangular bolster under my hips and the pain returned. The pressing on my lower abdomen for the ultrasound only made it worse. The pain didn't go away when she finished or when the bolster was removed. The doctor confirmed that I had a tubal pregnancy and it appeared to have ruptured. She told me that the OB would be there shortly to explain more and what would happen next. 

      Shortly after that, once again, I felt like I was going pass out. I told the nurse sitting next to me and he calmly helped me work through it. At the same time, the OB came in. He was very kind and held my hand as he explained what was going on. I had a tubal pregnancy that had ruptured and he would need to do surgery to repair the damage. He explained the laparoscopic surgery and what would happen. They were asking me questions, but it was so hard to answer them because I was focusing so hard on not passing out. It did finally pass and they started getting me ready for surgery. 

      At that point, they were just waiting for the anesthesiologist. Because of the constant passing out, the ER doctor was concerned about getting my blood transfusion early enough and was considering putting in a central line into my neck. Luckily, they were able to contact the anesthesiologist and they were able to put the IV in my arm. Soon they were wheeling me off to the OR. Before going in, I said quick goodbyes and gave kisses to Ty and Anna. As I rolled into the OR, I couldn't help thinking how ironic the situation was considering my preferred birth plans. I told the crew, "You wanna know something funny? I had a home birth." We all laughed, but agreed that for this situation it was definitely the appropriate place to be. 

      They put the oxygen mask on me and soon I fell into unconsciousness. When I woke up, I had thought I dreamt everything, but then realized where I was. Coming out of anesthesia is very strange. It was also very late, so I would have been normally tired anyway. No matter how tired I was though, I wouldn't be able to ignore the pain. I rated it at an 8 or 9. When they took me to my recovery room, Ty was already there waiting. I love him. 

      I was put on Percocet and Ibuprofen for my pain and it helped manage it well. When I saw my OB the next day he explained what had taken place. The rupture had caused me to bleed internally  and he had to do an open surgery. Meaning my incision is like a ceseasan. He had to remove 3 units/over 1 liter of blood. He also had to clean my organs because they were covered in blood. Last, but not least, he had to remove my left Fallopian tube. My ovary is fine, but there was too much damage to the tube. He told us that this would decrease our chances of getting pregnant by 15-20%. However, there are options like IVF. We'll see what the future brings, but I'm staying optimistic. 

      Because of my type of surgery and incision, the doctor required me to stay at the hospital at least until that Saturday. Anna stayed with Ty's brother and his wife and we were told she was an angel. Ty was able to stay with me the whole time in the hospital and work from his laptop. I will never stop being grateful for that. After my catheter was removed I was required to walk at least three times a day. This was impossible without assistance. Ty helped me with everything that required me to get out of bed. If true love is seeing your significant other at their worst and loving them anyway, then Ty is more madly in love with me than I ever knew. Which makes me love him all the more. 

      All the time in the hospital we didn't see our lovely girl and missed her immensely. When Ty's brother, Nathan, arrived with our baby girl, we were so excited. In the next couple of days, we realized the effect our crazy surprise had on her. We are in the habit of explaining ahead of time any change or big event to her because this has always prepared her well. After we talked to her and explained how much we missed her and why we had let her stay with Nathan and Celia, she returned to her sweet self. 

       My mom arrived on Tuesday evening and will be here for the next couple of weeks. At least until I've recovered. Anna is loving having her Nana here and my mom is over the moon to spend time with her as well. 

      It wasn't until I came home and had time to myself that I was able to fully process what had happened. I felt guilty for not going in sooner. For not being able to explain to Anna earlier so she didn't feel blind sighted. For all the work and stress it put on Ty. I felt sad because everything happened so fast that I hardly had a chance to grieve something I lost. Sad because now I have this incision that keeps me from just going back to normal right after all of this. Sad because of the pain. I'm doing better now, though I'm still anxious for our lives to return to normal. The greatest consolation in all of this is that I have a great faith in knowing that there's a spirit waiting to join our family. Someday they will. I'm not sure how or when, but it will happen. 

      I haven't talked to many people about it all. Most in the ward of our church don't know. Really only my visiting teacher and my visiting teaching partner know, who are both amazing and brought meals over. And our families. Everyone who is informed has been lovely. 

      I just hope that this can somehow be a remedy for something or someone. This whole life thing is hard. I'd like to believe that any difficult experiences we have or trials we face are not just to strengthen us or give us something to learn, but to help others through their own tragedies. We can only strive to buoy each other. 

Update on my crazy

      For those of you who endured my rantings yesterday, you'll be happy to know that I'm feeling better, albeit still continuously emotional.  I've had many, what we called in massage school, ERs.  Otherwise known as Emotional Releases.  It seems I'm no longer capable of watching even the most simplistic of kind gestures on television without my eyes expelling crocodile tears.  However, many of the stresses I had yesterday before my midwife appointment are put to rest and I have calmed from PANIC/STRESS/HOLYCRAZINESS mode to "I'd-like-to-hurry-and-get-this-stuff-done-before-she-gets-here" mode.  I ran off my list of things to my midwife and she was able to give answers I needed to feel at peace with everything.  As my sister-in-law put it, I'm feeling ready to be done and I think it's all just getting to me.  Little things drive me crazy.  This morning our toilet clogged (it's become a repeat offender, but this was really bad) and my husband had to run out to get a better plunger and a "snake" just in case.  He's my Superman and was able to take care of it, but seriously.  Throughout the day there were other things that just made me feel like I wanted to give up.  It just seems like there's always a little something and I so easily fall into the grasps of irritability and frustration.  What can I say?  I have weaknesses.  Which apparently are exacerbated during pregnancy.  Right now, I'm just trying to relax and focus on get the things done that I need to.  Most importantly, I'm going to focus on my little girl being healthy and and what it will be like seeing her beautiful little face. 

Hormontional

      I've prided myself on the fact that I haven't been overly emotional during pregnancy.  I grew up with my dad always telling us to stop crying (I think it was mostly when we were in trouble and he might have thought we were trying to get out of it) and even so I've realized it's okay to cry and let go of the emotions that I'm holding inside, crying is still something I don't do so easily.  Part of it is wanting to avoid the headache that inevitably follows afterwards.  Now that I'm more accepting of my right to cry, I almost wish that I would cry more.  When I'm with others and they are experiencing an emotion that makes them cry, I don't understand why I don't because I feel that emotion.  Well, in the last few weeks I've gained the ability to be weepy over just about anything.

      The worst part is that my hormones are causing this unnatural effect on me.  I'm overwhelmed with so many feelings, most of which I wouldn't classify as positive.  I'm stressing to get everything for her before she gets here.  I hope I have enough clothes, diapers, wipes.  Still trying to figure out what bottles to use (I'm planning on breastfeeding exclusively, but it's always good to be prepared).  There are things I bought used that need to be cleaned (carseat and base, co-sleeper, stroller, pack n' play, and high chair) and going to have to be washed in the bathtub.  We still have to get the birth tub from our midwife and we'll have to clean that and the hose, when we do.  The connector piece she gave us doesn't work with our faucet so I'm not sure what will be done about that.  I'm continuously concerned that our little girl is healthy, strong, and that everything is going alright.  I'm worried if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to ensure that by eating right.  I'm not always the best at doing this, so I feel guilty.  I've lost some mucus that was light green and from what I've read, it could mean a variety of things; an infection, it could be my mucus plug (apparently they don't have to be white/brown and bloody) and baby could be on her way soon, or baby girl had her first bowel movement.  The different possibilities are making me feel worried and overwhelmed.

      So let's recap.  Overwhelmed, stressed, concerned, worried, guilty, more worried, and more overwhelmed.  Basically, I'm driving myself nuts here.  To add to it, I'm anxious for her to be here and for all this pregnancy discomfort to be over.  Getting all the aforementioned tasks done will provide a great relief.  As will, I'm hoping, the pedicure I have planned for this week.  My toes are looking awful and my feet need some much needed lovin'.

Preview to Motherhood

This last week between Christmas and New Years, Ty and I stayed at his parents house and while there we were able to help his brother and sister-in-law with their month old twin boys. For a few days I was able to take a glimpse into what would be in store for us in only a couple months. I've always loved holding babies and caring forthem, while imagining what life would be like with my own. Hard work and endurance are key players in this game. Somehow, these parents are able to do it with a two year old. No easy task, let me tell you. Twins, on their own, are a tiring challenge. The boys were eating constantly and had diaper changes almost as regularly. Celia and Nathan have formed a schedule of shifts in order to get sleep, while also making sure the babies are taken care of. Ty and I would stay up with Celia during her shift until 3AM before succumbing to the growing call of sleep. The last night we were there, I barely made it as my eyes continually drooped while holding a baby. Out of necessity, Celia pushes through until about 4, when age wakes up Nathan for him to begin his shift.


This schedule continues for them and while it might seem normal for some, consider that TWO babies are been fed about every two hours (if not more frequent), burped, and given diaper changes. I was continually, mentally, giving thanks we are only having the one baby this time. There's barely enough time to take care of your own needs when focusing on one small human, let alone two. At one point I actually managed to feed both babies at the same time. An accomplishment I'm quite proud of. :). Still though, I don't envy the parents of multiples in the least. Mostly, I admire them for their strength and will power and faith that this is all worth it. As the time approaches for our little girl to arrive, I anxiously consider what her temperament will be like and hope she's more like her father than her mother in some ways. She will be loved regardless, but I'm hoping that in amongst the feedings, bathings, and sleepless nights, we will be blessed to have the ability to give her everything she needs and still make just a little room for our own. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My Naive Assumption of Pregnancy

 ***I apologize for not posting on this blog sooner.  I've just been trying to keep up with the main one that this one slipped out of my conscience thinking.***

     When I thought of pregnancy, I imagined the some of the uncomfortableness that comes along with it.  I imagined the morning sickness, waking up and running to the bathroom.  I imagined getting bigger and getting less sleep.  That's not to say that I'm having a super terrible, horribly uncomfortable pregnancy.  I think I've had a pretty good pregnancy so far.  Mostly, I think I just never really considered how uncomfortable I would get (and still will get).  I tried to focus on the positive aspects.  Like the fact that I would be miraculously carrying a child inside of me.  Getting excited every time they moved.  Somehow I missed the step where I would need to remember that I would get kicked in the ribs.  I firmly believe that women with shorter torsos are beat up most often during pregnancy.  :)  While I'm thrilled to be pregnant and that I finally know I'm able to be, it's not all sunshine daisies either. 

     Sleeping is difficult as I have to find the most comfortable position, but when I do chances are it doesn't last long and I need to re-situate myself.  That task has taken on a whole new meaning.  Even though my belly isn't full term, it's still carrying a larger than normal load in front and it makes turning from side to side an event.  Not only that, but I also have to take the extra pillows I use to be "comfortable" with me.  I have four pillows total when I go to bed.  The regular pillow for my head, a small rounded pillow for neck support (used whether pregnant or not), a pillow for underneath my belly for support, and my body pillow for between my legs for hip support.  Imagine all of this moving and shuffling about just to switch sides to sleep on.  It's quite the spectacle I'm sure.  Unfortunately, more than once has this escapade has disturbed my husband's sleep.  He's wonderful though and tries to help me as much as he can.

     The hardest part might be that I'm no longer able to use those ab muscles I worked on for months and months.  They are idly sitting back waiting to be used after the baby is born.  It's a sort of strange phenomenon to consciously not use a part of your body you thought you almost never used regularly.  Sitting up, getting off the couch, picking things up off the floor, moving things around, laundry.  I'm a pretty independent person and I've always enjoyed that I can do things for myself.  However, I'm more and more relying on Ty to help me or flat out do things for me.  I can't bring the laundry down or up to our room anymore, nor can I lift the basket to put in a load into the washer.  Sometimes, getting off the couch by myself requires scooting or laying on my side and sort of rolling off.  There are times where I absolutely am not able to put on my socks and shoes, without Ty pretty much doing it for me.  I'd go for the flats, but baby it's cold outside.

     I love my little girl, but I'm excited for her to be out of my body where we can hold her and see her and I'm able to function normally.  It's funny the things you miss.  At the moment I'm fighting off a cold and I'm only using home remedies to cure what ails me.  (i.e.  Lots of oranges, soup, honey & cinnamon, and tissues.....a LOT of tissues.)  What I wouldn't give to take some Mucinex!  I'm looking forward to being out of this illness so that I can focus and concentrate on baking up a storm.

      I will admit to you though, that I've used being pregnant as a crutch to not do things.  Something I really need to get out of the habit of.  I'm pregnant, not broken.  Lazy, but not broken.  ;)  I CAN do things.  I was reminded of this when I read CJane's post on her latest birth experience.  The woman is amazing and reinspired me for my own planned home birth.  There are definitely days (like right now because I'm sick) that the energy to do anything has left me completely.  However, I have to remember that labor and birth are going to be physically draining and not a breezy walk in the park.  Yoga, yoga, yoga.

Anyone else have a false sense of what pregnancy was like before getting pregnant?

Seeing Pink

     I've been a bit absent from this blog as of late, but all is well if not crazy.  I have some posts in mind, so it's just a matter of taking the time, sitting down, and writing them out.  Until then, check over to my "main" blog to see what we found out at our ultrasound.