Hormontional

      I've prided myself on the fact that I haven't been overly emotional during pregnancy.  I grew up with my dad always telling us to stop crying (I think it was mostly when we were in trouble and he might have thought we were trying to get out of it) and even so I've realized it's okay to cry and let go of the emotions that I'm holding inside, crying is still something I don't do so easily.  Part of it is wanting to avoid the headache that inevitably follows afterwards.  Now that I'm more accepting of my right to cry, I almost wish that I would cry more.  When I'm with others and they are experiencing an emotion that makes them cry, I don't understand why I don't because I feel that emotion.  Well, in the last few weeks I've gained the ability to be weepy over just about anything.

      The worst part is that my hormones are causing this unnatural effect on me.  I'm overwhelmed with so many feelings, most of which I wouldn't classify as positive.  I'm stressing to get everything for her before she gets here.  I hope I have enough clothes, diapers, wipes.  Still trying to figure out what bottles to use (I'm planning on breastfeeding exclusively, but it's always good to be prepared).  There are things I bought used that need to be cleaned (carseat and base, co-sleeper, stroller, pack n' play, and high chair) and going to have to be washed in the bathtub.  We still have to get the birth tub from our midwife and we'll have to clean that and the hose, when we do.  The connector piece she gave us doesn't work with our faucet so I'm not sure what will be done about that.  I'm continuously concerned that our little girl is healthy, strong, and that everything is going alright.  I'm worried if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to ensure that by eating right.  I'm not always the best at doing this, so I feel guilty.  I've lost some mucus that was light green and from what I've read, it could mean a variety of things; an infection, it could be my mucus plug (apparently they don't have to be white/brown and bloody) and baby could be on her way soon, or baby girl had her first bowel movement.  The different possibilities are making me feel worried and overwhelmed.

      So let's recap.  Overwhelmed, stressed, concerned, worried, guilty, more worried, and more overwhelmed.  Basically, I'm driving myself nuts here.  To add to it, I'm anxious for her to be here and for all this pregnancy discomfort to be over.  Getting all the aforementioned tasks done will provide a great relief.  As will, I'm hoping, the pedicure I have planned for this week.  My toes are looking awful and my feet need some much needed lovin'.