My Naive Assumption of Pregnancy

 ***I apologize for not posting on this blog sooner.  I've just been trying to keep up with the main one that this one slipped out of my conscience thinking.***

     When I thought of pregnancy, I imagined the some of the uncomfortableness that comes along with it.  I imagined the morning sickness, waking up and running to the bathroom.  I imagined getting bigger and getting less sleep.  That's not to say that I'm having a super terrible, horribly uncomfortable pregnancy.  I think I've had a pretty good pregnancy so far.  Mostly, I think I just never really considered how uncomfortable I would get (and still will get).  I tried to focus on the positive aspects.  Like the fact that I would be miraculously carrying a child inside of me.  Getting excited every time they moved.  Somehow I missed the step where I would need to remember that I would get kicked in the ribs.  I firmly believe that women with shorter torsos are beat up most often during pregnancy.  :)  While I'm thrilled to be pregnant and that I finally know I'm able to be, it's not all sunshine daisies either. 

     Sleeping is difficult as I have to find the most comfortable position, but when I do chances are it doesn't last long and I need to re-situate myself.  That task has taken on a whole new meaning.  Even though my belly isn't full term, it's still carrying a larger than normal load in front and it makes turning from side to side an event.  Not only that, but I also have to take the extra pillows I use to be "comfortable" with me.  I have four pillows total when I go to bed.  The regular pillow for my head, a small rounded pillow for neck support (used whether pregnant or not), a pillow for underneath my belly for support, and my body pillow for between my legs for hip support.  Imagine all of this moving and shuffling about just to switch sides to sleep on.  It's quite the spectacle I'm sure.  Unfortunately, more than once has this escapade has disturbed my husband's sleep.  He's wonderful though and tries to help me as much as he can.

     The hardest part might be that I'm no longer able to use those ab muscles I worked on for months and months.  They are idly sitting back waiting to be used after the baby is born.  It's a sort of strange phenomenon to consciously not use a part of your body you thought you almost never used regularly.  Sitting up, getting off the couch, picking things up off the floor, moving things around, laundry.  I'm a pretty independent person and I've always enjoyed that I can do things for myself.  However, I'm more and more relying on Ty to help me or flat out do things for me.  I can't bring the laundry down or up to our room anymore, nor can I lift the basket to put in a load into the washer.  Sometimes, getting off the couch by myself requires scooting or laying on my side and sort of rolling off.  There are times where I absolutely am not able to put on my socks and shoes, without Ty pretty much doing it for me.  I'd go for the flats, but baby it's cold outside.

     I love my little girl, but I'm excited for her to be out of my body where we can hold her and see her and I'm able to function normally.  It's funny the things you miss.  At the moment I'm fighting off a cold and I'm only using home remedies to cure what ails me.  (i.e.  Lots of oranges, soup, honey & cinnamon, and tissues.....a LOT of tissues.)  What I wouldn't give to take some Mucinex!  I'm looking forward to being out of this illness so that I can focus and concentrate on baking up a storm.

      I will admit to you though, that I've used being pregnant as a crutch to not do things.  Something I really need to get out of the habit of.  I'm pregnant, not broken.  Lazy, but not broken.  ;)  I CAN do things.  I was reminded of this when I read CJane's post on her latest birth experience.  The woman is amazing and reinspired me for my own planned home birth.  There are definitely days (like right now because I'm sick) that the energy to do anything has left me completely.  However, I have to remember that labor and birth are going to be physically draining and not a breezy walk in the park.  Yoga, yoga, yoga.

Anyone else have a false sense of what pregnancy was like before getting pregnant?

Seeing Pink

     I've been a bit absent from this blog as of late, but all is well if not crazy.  I have some posts in mind, so it's just a matter of taking the time, sitting down, and writing them out.  Until then, check over to my "main" blog to see what we found out at our ultrasound. 

Holy Bra Size!

    One of the first indicators that I was pregnant, in the beginning, was sore breasts.  I had experienced it before when an upcoming cycle was about to begin, but this was earlier, longer-lasting, and hurt a whole heck of a lot more.  Occasionally, they will still some moments of pain, but it hasn't been too horrible.  If you'll remember, or calculate back, I was still in the midst of loosing weight when I found out that I was pregnant.  Lots of things failed to fit me anymore.  My bras were some of them.  Even though I knew I was pregnant and that my chest would grow to the size of cantaloupes, I found relief in smaller sized bras.  However, I feel now like my frontal area has exploded within the last few weeks.  Though my belly is certainly growing (pics to come eventually), I'm almost sure that half of the 6 pounds I've gained are all in my breasts.  GaAAAAHhh!  I'm used to them being larger, since remember I lost 40 pounds before getting pregnant, but this is the part of pregnancy I've always dreaded.  My size is confusing to me.  I've been told I look like I'm a D or DD, but I wear a C.  In fact, I've just switched back to the bras I had to replace because they were too big and they still feel a little "unfulfilled".  That won't last long I'm sure.  I knew my tummy would become more rotund and protrude, but this bodily change is what's making me realize just how much change my body has been and will be going through.  It's a little insane.  Stop the MADNESS!!!!

Ligament Pains

      So for some reason this isn't something that many people talk about.  However, when I've gotten to the point of slightly freaking out about it and talk to someone I find that it's normal and common.  There are times when you maybe wonder if these are tiny contractions.  In reality, your ligaments stretching and your body is growing to to be capable of holding a little being.  One of the girls at Ty work is pregnant and we had a get together at another person's house and while we were there she asked me if I had experienced them.  I think we were both glad to talk to someone else who was going through the same things at the same time.  Both of us were frustrated that no one talks about it if it's not a big deal.  At the same time women who haven't experienced it before are so worried and they don't want to mention admit to something being maybe wrong so they don't talk about it.  I think this is something I'll be making sure to mention to friends and family member who are going through their first time so they understand that things are still normal.  Obviously, there is a point where there is a problem and it isn't normal, but I think once you understand what is typical and what isn't you'll know better.  Right?  What do you guys think? 

Overuse of the word?

    I'm pregnant.  Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.  And it seems that I like to slip that into conversation whenever possible.  For instance: "When I first found out I was pregnant", "Since being pregnant", "You're going to make the pregnant girl do that?", and so on and so forth.  My mom stayed with us last night and as we were talking, I realized how much I was doing it.  It's not really on purpose, but it's kind of a big deal in my life right now.  In fact it's THE biggest deal in my life right now.  Being pregnant has had it's ups and down and provided me with a lot of experiences that from time to time get shared.  It's also possible that because I haven't been able to talk with my mom much since she was out of country for a month that I was trying to catch up on a lot of things.  (Poor girl is still so jet-legged, she was falling asleep by the time she sat down.)  Or it could be the fact that I've been waiting so long to say the words that there's a lot of "I'm pregnant!"s pent up. 

    The real issue for me is that I don't want to become one of those really annoying girls who gets pregnant and talks about it so much it's like she's force-feeding it down your throat and you just want to slap her and walk away.  No, I've never had that feeling before.  ;)  I truly feel incredibly blessed for this opportunity in our married lives and can't wait to meet our little child.  However, I've been in that position where you are stuck sitting and waiting around for my turn while just about everyone else is sharing what's going on in their pregnancy or what their child is doing.  Even if they really aren't doing it (or at least not on purpose), you feel like they are saying, "Neener neener!  I'm pregnant and you're not!  Haha!".  There's a small part of me that feels slightly guilty for receiving this good news when so many are still waiting.  Though I must say, it seems like this baby boom is rubbing off on those of us who have been waiting an extra long time.  A friend of mine is finally pregnant after 12 years!  Awesome!  However, there are still wonderful ladies who are waiting their turn for their first and some even struggling for a second.  My heart breaks and goes out to those of you who are in this situation.  I hope your day comes soon.  I've said this to one friend already, but I have half the box of a month's supply of ovulation tests, that helped me get pregnant, available.  It's cliche, but knowing is half the battle.  Just sayin'.  :) 

    So, basically, if you are around me and the word "pregnant" slips out of my lips frequently and it's driving you crazy, feel free to give me a gentle smack (I am pregnant after all) and walk away.  :)

Surprise, Surprise!

     Well, in case there is any chance that you haven't actually heard the news, I'm pregnant!  It's officially real!  Scary.  I'm due in February and avoiding sharing the actual date so I don't get too much pressure when it actually comes around and start freaking out because it hasn't happened on that day.  I'm letting this little one take the time it needs, within reason of course, and let them tell me when they are ready.  I've started seeing a midwife who is also a naturopath and the goal is a natural water birth at home.  I'm excited, nervous, and anxious all at the same time.  Our lives are going to be changing drastically within the next year.  If you want to read about how I found out and how I told my hubby check out this post on my regular blog.

     I will still be using this blog as much as possible to relay my hopes and fears of getting pregnant and becoming a mommy.  Believe me, there are a plenty.  I'll also be documenting my visits with my midwife, the things we talk about and cover, why I'll be choosing some tests over others.  Posting on both blogs will be difficult though, so don't be surprised if I just end up posting a link to a post every once in awhile.  Anywho, I'm feeling very blessed and have really appreciated the lovely words of Congratulations from everyone who has spotted our news. 

Update

    Last time I wrote I told you all about how anxious I was feeling.  I've been feeling much better since then and have been continuing my weight loss efforts.  As of today, I have nothing to feel anxious about as I have officially lost 41.5 lbs. and my current weight is sitting at 128.5 lbs.  I'm excited and thrilled.  I'm so happy to finally have not only reached my goal, but passed it.  It's wonderful.  For now, I plan on maintaining and maybe someday soon it will lead me to my true ultimate goal of becoming Mommy.  :)

Feeling Anxious

    That's how I'm feeling right this second.  It will probably pass by tomorrow, the next day, or the end of the week.  Not sure yet.  I'm sort of surrounded by babies.  I have two sisters-in-law who are due to give birth pretty much any second, one who just announced a pregnancy and to top it off they found out today they are having twins! (yay), and I'll be attending a baby blessing on Sunday for a brand new nephew.  Anybody wanna take a guess as to why I'm so anxious?  :)  I'm so happy for these wonderful women in my life, but I'm feeling just a little selfish at the moment.  I crave the feeling of joy and excitement and nerve wracking terror that these ladies are experiencing.  Hopefully, that day will come soon enough for me, but I'm just wanting it so much.  Patience was never something I was very good at.  I'll try though. 

    My problem is that I let my envy control me far too much.  Can I just tell you?  I love my life right now.  I always think to myself, "I won the husband lottery."  How on earth did I find this man?  While seeking for my eternal companion, I was pretty jaded along the way.  Who knew that this particular man was being saved just for me?  Was that a tear?  NO!  WHAT?!  Okay, I might tearing up quite a bit.  What can I say?  My husband is truly incredible and I can't believe how blessed I am that we are still, after 4 years of being together and 3 years of that being married, ridiculously, cheesy in love.  That never once has he looked at me and thought I was unattractive, even through all my weight gain.  Is that even possible?!  To this day, I proudly admit that we have never had a fight.  That's not to say we haven't had our share of disagreements or moments of strong frustration, but we've never reached a point where we've raised our voices and things are always resolved quickly.  He constantly thanks me for EVERYTHING I do and I sooo appreciate it. 

    As for the things that don't matter quite as much, we live in a good neighborhood, in a nice home, have a great church family that I'm still enjoying getting to know.  We paid off a credit card and only have one left with debt that will hopefully be paid off within the next year.  There's nothing wrong with our car.  We have some amazing family and friends who are always there to support us.  I lost 35 POUNDS!!!! and now am at my high school weight.  I'm only 5 lbs. away from my goal weight.

    Yeah, I'm blessed.  I'm feeling a little less anxious now.  Thanks for reading my rant.  :)

Mother's Day for the Babyless

    I have to admit that this day was harder than I thought it would be.  I thought I would be able to think of this day as any other and let it just pass by.  However, when I woke up in the morning and I realized that it was my fourth Mother's Day being married and the third in which I thought I would have a true reason to celebrate it, I was saddened by the idea.  Hormones are at work here so that definitely explains a lot of it, but regardless, I wasn't feeling well and neither was Ty and so I was able to avoid the anxiety of being in church with the many mothers.  I don't think I would really want to hear all about how motherhood has been such a blessing to others and how mothers are such amazing people.  Then the awkwardness as kids pass out the designated gifts for mothers and unsure if they should give one to me because I'm without kids.  I'm doing better today, but I just wanted to vent that out of my system.  I really do hope the many mothers around me had a very special Mother's Day and that all of you were spoiled by your husbands and children.  You so deserve it!  :) 

Hello Dear Friends!

    Well, I've been preoccupied and distracted to say the least.  The last four months are all a little bit of a blur to me as I try to recap them in my mind.  I started out the year at 170 lbs.  For a little ol' 5'2" gal like myself that's a whole lot of extra baggage to be carrying around.  It all started when I was dating my now hubby, Ty.  Within our 9 month courtship I gained 5 pounds.  No big deal.  Then we got married and I swiftly settled into how comfortable I was with him and my culinary skills (or lack thereof) were not helping.  We ate out a lot in the beginning and then I discovered a cookbook that helped me come up with a meal plan that really sunk me into a hole full of yummy food and extra weight.  By that Christmas I was already at 150 and by the following summer I was at the heaviest I'd ever been at 170.  UGH.  Not cool Dave.  I lost about 10 pounds after going on a diet "prescribed" to be by my chiropractor.  Then my miscarriage happened and I gained all that back.  I did HCG for awhile, but it wasn't working for me so I left it in the dust.  Deciding I needed to take charge of my weight loss I started working out and counting calories, which helped me loose 9 lbs. and put me back in the mid-150's.  Theeeen Thanksgiving and Christmas happened.  Need I say more?  By New Year's I hit my 170 mark again.  After nearly 4 months I'm back down to 141.5 (almost my wedding weight)! 

    I think you can understand why I've been neglecting this blog quite a bit.  My regular blog has also taken a little bit of a hit considering my weight loss journey has pretty much taken priority over everything.  However, I do need to be better about taking pictures of the other things I do.  Life is amazing right now.  Which is really the basis of this post.  My weight loss has been so consuming  that I haven't given much thought to the whole getting pregnant business.  It's been good to have this project to use as my focus and I will continue concentrating on maintaining once I've lost all of my weight.  It's hard work, but I'm so pleased with how far I've come.  Another benefit to loosing the weight is that once I do conceive, I won't feel as though I have as much to loose as I would if I had gotten pregnant sooner.  Horrah for me!

Epiphany

    Lately, my body has been having issues to say the least.  In our family, we turn to muscle testing (also know as Applied Kinesiology).  Ty's dad has become our family go to person for this.  Some of the things we have learned about it have been really interesting.  For instance, a few days ago when I had my negative pregnancy test I started feeling bad, for a lack of a better word at the moment, and it progressively got worse throughout the day without any cause.  This feeling lasted for days!  On Sunday we asked my father-in-law to do some testing for me for energy and the cravings I've been having with my diet.  One of the results was that I had a trapped darkness in accordance with my energy.  There was the word I was looking for to put to the feeling that I was having.  A Darkness.

    Anyway, the point of this is that I have become pretty good at being in tune with my body and emotions.  I have a tendency to take the time to figure out why I do things or act a certain way.  Recently, I sort of had this epiphany about myself.  I haven't forgiven my body for having a miscarriage and still not being able to get pregnant.  It's almost as though my mind and my body are in a silent treatment argument with each other.  It sounds a little off, but let me divulge a little bit.

    Let's say I saw a really amazing purse that I really, really wanted.  Many friends and relatives have the same style of purse and seeing them with theirs is hard since I know how much I would like to have it.  However, as much as I want it I can't afford to buy it.  Or something just keeps coming up and I'm not able to get it.  Finally, my husband gets it for me as a gift.  Before I can really enjoy it though, a friend takes it and basically ruins it and it's destroyed.  I could tell you right now that that friend wouldn't be a friend for a whole lot longer.  How could they just take something when they knew how much it meant to me to have it?

    Do you see the similitude here?  The friend is my body (because for better or worse you should be a friend to yourself) and the purse is a baby.  If a friend had taken something from me like that, it would really hard for me to forgive them completely and trust them once again.  I feel like that's my situation with my mind and my body.  When I had my miscarriage, I had my time to be angry with my Heavenly Father, but I never thought about forgiving myself and letting my body off the hook for it.  There's a strong possibility that I will have more muscle testing done to relieve the trapped emotions from this newly realized issue.  As well as a lot of prayer and spiritual guidance.  It's amazing what we learn about ourselves if we just take the time to listen.

My insides are having issues

    There are times where I feel like my body doesn't know what it wants.  Ugh.  After I took the pregnancy test and found out that I'm (again) not pregnant, I think I took it harder than I was letting on, on here.  Then, yesterday I had a little bit of spotting, not much.  In fact it seemed like it was doing the same thing it had done a few weeks ago.  By the end of the day it was gone.  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  My guess:  Eating all those sweets and bad, bad junk food had a negative effect on my system.  You know how some girls who are too heavy don't get their period.  I think I was going through the same thing.  Which is weird because the last time I had gotten to this weight, I had my period for like a month and a half to two months.  Yeah, my cycles suck.  Anyway, I think it stopped this time.  And working out and loosing weight is like jump starting it.  Either way, it's just frustrating and I'm so far past done with it and just want to be normal.

There you have it

    Remember last time I posted about not having my "O" day, but that I had some spotting when I was due for my period?  Well, I tested today (two weeks later) to see if maybe there was something good happening.  Nope.  Once again, I received a negative result.  Ya know, I'm kinda tired of those.  It's really gotten quite old.  At the same time, I think of it as a good thing.  As I try to loose weight right now, it would really hinder me from meeting my goals.  Not that it would be the end of the world.  I would just like to get to a good weight before I pack more on with a baby.  And that's something I NEED to do for me. 

    I've been watching Biggest Loser and this season Sara has touched my heart deeply.  I did a little bit of digging and put the pieces together that she is LDS.  Yay!  We also were both married in March of 2008.  Um, AWESOME.  So basically, we've both been trying to have babies for the same amount of time.  Can you see why I feel so connected to her story?  When I watched the premiere episode and it showed Sarah and her story, I looked at my husband and said NBC were really big jerks.  ;)  I think a lot of women will be able to relate to her story and I'm so glad that she has been brave enough to share it.  You can join Sarah's Facebook fan page here. 

    In the end I want to have the same goal that Sarah has.  Not let the reason I can't carry a baby be my weight.  If my body isn't meant to get pregnant, fine.  However, I won't let it be because of something I could have prevented.  Who's with me?!

Where's my "O" day?

    I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since Christmas.  We loved hanging out with family, but it's been so great to be home.  December seemed to fly by and I can tell January is going to be much the same.

    Okay, so about the title.  Though, I was determined to be relaxed and enjoy my husband, I was still a little taunted by the continuous negative results of my ovulation tests throughout December.  I tested every day beginning on Day 10 of my cycle and finished on Day 20.  I can never make sense of those blasted lines that are supposed to give you a quite serious answer, so I use digital ones to be completely sure.  Yes, they are more expensive, but I think it's worth it if I don't have to second guess.  I digress.  Amongst all that testing, I never once saw a positive smiley face.  Whereas, the month previous I did.  Grrrrrrrr.   Then on my Day 30, I had some spotting for about a day and that was it.  Nothing else.  What am I supposed to do with that?!  Lately, I've been feeling pretty tired.  ALL DAY LONG.  It prompts me to think that I might be pregnant, since that's what happened with my pregnancy before.  However, my experience has made me extremely cautious.  I haven't even said it out loud or mentioned it to my hubby.

    For now, I decided I'm going to focus and concentrate on loosing weight.  All that "holiday cheer" I was digesting put me back at my heaviest and I'm wanting to retreat from it as soon as possible.  I've devised a plan and have already put it into action.  Within a couple of weeks (or days if I get too anxious) I'll test and find out for sure if I'm carrying something more than just extra weight.  I'll tell you, it's difficult for me to not daydream that it is and that I can soon facebook announce with everyone else that I've pregnancy news to share.  Thoughts like that can be good, but very dangerous at the same time.  I want to let myself feel that surge of hope and anticipation.  The last 2 1/2 years of disappointment keep me from getting too comfortable with the idea.

    I want to take a minute to thank those who have commented, emailed, and took the time to share your stories with me.  Every time I read something from one of you, my heart grows full and I know that WE are not alone.  We are each unique in our circumstance and situation in life and yet there is one thing that brings us together.  We are women who truly want to be good and loving mothers.  You all have inspired me to not loose hope and carry on.  Did you all know how amazing you are?  Because it's absolutely true!  Thank you again for your love and supportive words.