Update on my crazy

      For those of you who endured my rantings yesterday, you'll be happy to know that I'm feeling better, albeit still continuously emotional.  I've had many, what we called in massage school, ERs.  Otherwise known as Emotional Releases.  It seems I'm no longer capable of watching even the most simplistic of kind gestures on television without my eyes expelling crocodile tears.  However, many of the stresses I had yesterday before my midwife appointment are put to rest and I have calmed from PANIC/STRESS/HOLYCRAZINESS mode to "I'd-like-to-hurry-and-get-this-stuff-done-before-she-gets-here" mode.  I ran off my list of things to my midwife and she was able to give answers I needed to feel at peace with everything.  As my sister-in-law put it, I'm feeling ready to be done and I think it's all just getting to me.  Little things drive me crazy.  This morning our toilet clogged (it's become a repeat offender, but this was really bad) and my husband had to run out to get a better plunger and a "snake" just in case.  He's my Superman and was able to take care of it, but seriously.  Throughout the day there were other things that just made me feel like I wanted to give up.  It just seems like there's always a little something and I so easily fall into the grasps of irritability and frustration.  What can I say?  I have weaknesses.  Which apparently are exacerbated during pregnancy.  Right now, I'm just trying to relax and focus on get the things done that I need to.  Most importantly, I'm going to focus on my little girl being healthy and and what it will be like seeing her beautiful little face. 

Hormontional

      I've prided myself on the fact that I haven't been overly emotional during pregnancy.  I grew up with my dad always telling us to stop crying (I think it was mostly when we were in trouble and he might have thought we were trying to get out of it) and even so I've realized it's okay to cry and let go of the emotions that I'm holding inside, crying is still something I don't do so easily.  Part of it is wanting to avoid the headache that inevitably follows afterwards.  Now that I'm more accepting of my right to cry, I almost wish that I would cry more.  When I'm with others and they are experiencing an emotion that makes them cry, I don't understand why I don't because I feel that emotion.  Well, in the last few weeks I've gained the ability to be weepy over just about anything.

      The worst part is that my hormones are causing this unnatural effect on me.  I'm overwhelmed with so many feelings, most of which I wouldn't classify as positive.  I'm stressing to get everything for her before she gets here.  I hope I have enough clothes, diapers, wipes.  Still trying to figure out what bottles to use (I'm planning on breastfeeding exclusively, but it's always good to be prepared).  There are things I bought used that need to be cleaned (carseat and base, co-sleeper, stroller, pack n' play, and high chair) and going to have to be washed in the bathtub.  We still have to get the birth tub from our midwife and we'll have to clean that and the hose, when we do.  The connector piece she gave us doesn't work with our faucet so I'm not sure what will be done about that.  I'm continuously concerned that our little girl is healthy, strong, and that everything is going alright.  I'm worried if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to ensure that by eating right.  I'm not always the best at doing this, so I feel guilty.  I've lost some mucus that was light green and from what I've read, it could mean a variety of things; an infection, it could be my mucus plug (apparently they don't have to be white/brown and bloody) and baby could be on her way soon, or baby girl had her first bowel movement.  The different possibilities are making me feel worried and overwhelmed.

      So let's recap.  Overwhelmed, stressed, concerned, worried, guilty, more worried, and more overwhelmed.  Basically, I'm driving myself nuts here.  To add to it, I'm anxious for her to be here and for all this pregnancy discomfort to be over.  Getting all the aforementioned tasks done will provide a great relief.  As will, I'm hoping, the pedicure I have planned for this week.  My toes are looking awful and my feet need some much needed lovin'.

My Naive Assumption of Pregnancy

 ***I apologize for not posting on this blog sooner.  I've just been trying to keep up with the main one that this one slipped out of my conscience thinking.***

     When I thought of pregnancy, I imagined the some of the uncomfortableness that comes along with it.  I imagined the morning sickness, waking up and running to the bathroom.  I imagined getting bigger and getting less sleep.  That's not to say that I'm having a super terrible, horribly uncomfortable pregnancy.  I think I've had a pretty good pregnancy so far.  Mostly, I think I just never really considered how uncomfortable I would get (and still will get).  I tried to focus on the positive aspects.  Like the fact that I would be miraculously carrying a child inside of me.  Getting excited every time they moved.  Somehow I missed the step where I would need to remember that I would get kicked in the ribs.  I firmly believe that women with shorter torsos are beat up most often during pregnancy.  :)  While I'm thrilled to be pregnant and that I finally know I'm able to be, it's not all sunshine daisies either. 

     Sleeping is difficult as I have to find the most comfortable position, but when I do chances are it doesn't last long and I need to re-situate myself.  That task has taken on a whole new meaning.  Even though my belly isn't full term, it's still carrying a larger than normal load in front and it makes turning from side to side an event.  Not only that, but I also have to take the extra pillows I use to be "comfortable" with me.  I have four pillows total when I go to bed.  The regular pillow for my head, a small rounded pillow for neck support (used whether pregnant or not), a pillow for underneath my belly for support, and my body pillow for between my legs for hip support.  Imagine all of this moving and shuffling about just to switch sides to sleep on.  It's quite the spectacle I'm sure.  Unfortunately, more than once has this escapade has disturbed my husband's sleep.  He's wonderful though and tries to help me as much as he can.

     The hardest part might be that I'm no longer able to use those ab muscles I worked on for months and months.  They are idly sitting back waiting to be used after the baby is born.  It's a sort of strange phenomenon to consciously not use a part of your body you thought you almost never used regularly.  Sitting up, getting off the couch, picking things up off the floor, moving things around, laundry.  I'm a pretty independent person and I've always enjoyed that I can do things for myself.  However, I'm more and more relying on Ty to help me or flat out do things for me.  I can't bring the laundry down or up to our room anymore, nor can I lift the basket to put in a load into the washer.  Sometimes, getting off the couch by myself requires scooting or laying on my side and sort of rolling off.  There are times where I absolutely am not able to put on my socks and shoes, without Ty pretty much doing it for me.  I'd go for the flats, but baby it's cold outside.

     I love my little girl, but I'm excited for her to be out of my body where we can hold her and see her and I'm able to function normally.  It's funny the things you miss.  At the moment I'm fighting off a cold and I'm only using home remedies to cure what ails me.  (i.e.  Lots of oranges, soup, honey & cinnamon, and tissues.....a LOT of tissues.)  What I wouldn't give to take some Mucinex!  I'm looking forward to being out of this illness so that I can focus and concentrate on baking up a storm.

      I will admit to you though, that I've used being pregnant as a crutch to not do things.  Something I really need to get out of the habit of.  I'm pregnant, not broken.  Lazy, but not broken.  ;)  I CAN do things.  I was reminded of this when I read CJane's post on her latest birth experience.  The woman is amazing and reinspired me for my own planned home birth.  There are definitely days (like right now because I'm sick) that the energy to do anything has left me completely.  However, I have to remember that labor and birth are going to be physically draining and not a breezy walk in the park.  Yoga, yoga, yoga.

Anyone else have a false sense of what pregnancy was like before getting pregnant?

Seeing Pink

     I've been a bit absent from this blog as of late, but all is well if not crazy.  I have some posts in mind, so it's just a matter of taking the time, sitting down, and writing them out.  Until then, check over to my "main" blog to see what we found out at our ultrasound. 

Holy Bra Size!

    One of the first indicators that I was pregnant, in the beginning, was sore breasts.  I had experienced it before when an upcoming cycle was about to begin, but this was earlier, longer-lasting, and hurt a whole heck of a lot more.  Occasionally, they will still some moments of pain, but it hasn't been too horrible.  If you'll remember, or calculate back, I was still in the midst of loosing weight when I found out that I was pregnant.  Lots of things failed to fit me anymore.  My bras were some of them.  Even though I knew I was pregnant and that my chest would grow to the size of cantaloupes, I found relief in smaller sized bras.  However, I feel now like my frontal area has exploded within the last few weeks.  Though my belly is certainly growing (pics to come eventually), I'm almost sure that half of the 6 pounds I've gained are all in my breasts.  GaAAAAHhh!  I'm used to them being larger, since remember I lost 40 pounds before getting pregnant, but this is the part of pregnancy I've always dreaded.  My size is confusing to me.  I've been told I look like I'm a D or DD, but I wear a C.  In fact, I've just switched back to the bras I had to replace because they were too big and they still feel a little "unfulfilled".  That won't last long I'm sure.  I knew my tummy would become more rotund and protrude, but this bodily change is what's making me realize just how much change my body has been and will be going through.  It's a little insane.  Stop the MADNESS!!!!

Ligament Pains

      So for some reason this isn't something that many people talk about.  However, when I've gotten to the point of slightly freaking out about it and talk to someone I find that it's normal and common.  There are times when you maybe wonder if these are tiny contractions.  In reality, your ligaments stretching and your body is growing to to be capable of holding a little being.  One of the girls at Ty work is pregnant and we had a get together at another person's house and while we were there she asked me if I had experienced them.  I think we were both glad to talk to someone else who was going through the same things at the same time.  Both of us were frustrated that no one talks about it if it's not a big deal.  At the same time women who haven't experienced it before are so worried and they don't want to mention admit to something being maybe wrong so they don't talk about it.  I think this is something I'll be making sure to mention to friends and family member who are going through their first time so they understand that things are still normal.  Obviously, there is a point where there is a problem and it isn't normal, but I think once you understand what is typical and what isn't you'll know better.  Right?  What do you guys think? 

Overuse of the word?

    I'm pregnant.  Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.  And it seems that I like to slip that into conversation whenever possible.  For instance: "When I first found out I was pregnant", "Since being pregnant", "You're going to make the pregnant girl do that?", and so on and so forth.  My mom stayed with us last night and as we were talking, I realized how much I was doing it.  It's not really on purpose, but it's kind of a big deal in my life right now.  In fact it's THE biggest deal in my life right now.  Being pregnant has had it's ups and down and provided me with a lot of experiences that from time to time get shared.  It's also possible that because I haven't been able to talk with my mom much since she was out of country for a month that I was trying to catch up on a lot of things.  (Poor girl is still so jet-legged, she was falling asleep by the time she sat down.)  Or it could be the fact that I've been waiting so long to say the words that there's a lot of "I'm pregnant!"s pent up. 

    The real issue for me is that I don't want to become one of those really annoying girls who gets pregnant and talks about it so much it's like she's force-feeding it down your throat and you just want to slap her and walk away.  No, I've never had that feeling before.  ;)  I truly feel incredibly blessed for this opportunity in our married lives and can't wait to meet our little child.  However, I've been in that position where you are stuck sitting and waiting around for my turn while just about everyone else is sharing what's going on in their pregnancy or what their child is doing.  Even if they really aren't doing it (or at least not on purpose), you feel like they are saying, "Neener neener!  I'm pregnant and you're not!  Haha!".  There's a small part of me that feels slightly guilty for receiving this good news when so many are still waiting.  Though I must say, it seems like this baby boom is rubbing off on those of us who have been waiting an extra long time.  A friend of mine is finally pregnant after 12 years!  Awesome!  However, there are still wonderful ladies who are waiting their turn for their first and some even struggling for a second.  My heart breaks and goes out to those of you who are in this situation.  I hope your day comes soon.  I've said this to one friend already, but I have half the box of a month's supply of ovulation tests, that helped me get pregnant, available.  It's cliche, but knowing is half the battle.  Just sayin'.  :) 

    So, basically, if you are around me and the word "pregnant" slips out of my lips frequently and it's driving you crazy, feel free to give me a gentle smack (I am pregnant after all) and walk away.  :)

Surprise, Surprise!

     Well, in case there is any chance that you haven't actually heard the news, I'm pregnant!  It's officially real!  Scary.  I'm due in February and avoiding sharing the actual date so I don't get too much pressure when it actually comes around and start freaking out because it hasn't happened on that day.  I'm letting this little one take the time it needs, within reason of course, and let them tell me when they are ready.  I've started seeing a midwife who is also a naturopath and the goal is a natural water birth at home.  I'm excited, nervous, and anxious all at the same time.  Our lives are going to be changing drastically within the next year.  If you want to read about how I found out and how I told my hubby check out this post on my regular blog.

     I will still be using this blog as much as possible to relay my hopes and fears of getting pregnant and becoming a mommy.  Believe me, there are a plenty.  I'll also be documenting my visits with my midwife, the things we talk about and cover, why I'll be choosing some tests over others.  Posting on both blogs will be difficult though, so don't be surprised if I just end up posting a link to a post every once in awhile.  Anywho, I'm feeling very blessed and have really appreciated the lovely words of Congratulations from everyone who has spotted our news.