To a New Year

       Now that life has come back to normal, I thought I'd check in and update on how I'm doing.  Mostly good.  I have loved the ability to take care of my family.  Anna has been so good and is amazingly smart and funny.  She constantly cracks us up.  We went home for Thanksgiving and stayed here, in Utah, for Christmas.  After this year, we decided that we'll plan on doing it like this every year, depending on our situation.  It was a lot of fun to doing our own traditions and Skyping with families.

      I won't lie to you though.  I've had moments of serious depression.  Looking back on what happened  makes me incredibly sad that I've cried until I felt numb.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm okay with that.  I just can't help feeling upset that it happened at all.  Especially, at times when I would have reached certain milestones.  Halloween, I would have announced publicly that I was pregnant.  The Monday before Christmas I would have been 20 weeks and finding out the gender.  It's hard to not feel a certain amount of self pity.  I know I shouldn't, but I'm imperfect. I would be completely dishonest if I said that I'm always okay.  I keep a little piece of what happened with me all the time.

      I still know that there's a someone waiting to join our family, but I don't feel the same amount of urgency that I did before.  For now, I'm taking a break from actively trying to get pregnant.  There's still a good amount of weight for me to lose, so I'm using this New Year to restart that focus.  I've already made plans and set rewards for myself (because that's how I stay motivated).  If I get pregnant before then, then I will be so happy, but I'm not planning anything.  If I don't get pregnant in a few months after losing a good amount of weight, I'll reevaluate things then.  Like I said, right now my focus is on getting back to a better figure.

      I love my little family and I'm excited for it to get bigger.  I hope that through working on my weight, I'll be able to work on my mind and bring it the peace it needs to move on.  This year will be interesting and Ty and I have made a few goals for our family.  Mostly, ways to stay active and places in Utah to go. This will give us an opportunity to get out and enjoy life more fully, together.  As Anna gets older I want her to have memories of us doing things together and I want to be able to keep those things up with any other kids we have.  Here's to a New Year!

Surprise, Surprise!

     Well, in case there is any chance that you haven't actually heard the news, I'm pregnant!  It's officially real!  Scary.  I'm due in February and avoiding sharing the actual date so I don't get too much pressure when it actually comes around and start freaking out because it hasn't happened on that day.  I'm letting this little one take the time it needs, within reason of course, and let them tell me when they are ready.  I've started seeing a midwife who is also a naturopath and the goal is a natural water birth at home.  I'm excited, nervous, and anxious all at the same time.  Our lives are going to be changing drastically within the next year.  If you want to read about how I found out and how I told my hubby check out this post on my regular blog.

     I will still be using this blog as much as possible to relay my hopes and fears of getting pregnant and becoming a mommy.  Believe me, there are a plenty.  I'll also be documenting my visits with my midwife, the things we talk about and cover, why I'll be choosing some tests over others.  Posting on both blogs will be difficult though, so don't be surprised if I just end up posting a link to a post every once in awhile.  Anywho, I'm feeling very blessed and have really appreciated the lovely words of Congratulations from everyone who has spotted our news. 

Update

    Last time I wrote I told you all about how anxious I was feeling.  I've been feeling much better since then and have been continuing my weight loss efforts.  As of today, I have nothing to feel anxious about as I have officially lost 41.5 lbs. and my current weight is sitting at 128.5 lbs.  I'm excited and thrilled.  I'm so happy to finally have not only reached my goal, but passed it.  It's wonderful.  For now, I plan on maintaining and maybe someday soon it will lead me to my true ultimate goal of becoming Mommy.  :)

Hello Dear Friends!

    Well, I've been preoccupied and distracted to say the least.  The last four months are all a little bit of a blur to me as I try to recap them in my mind.  I started out the year at 170 lbs.  For a little ol' 5'2" gal like myself that's a whole lot of extra baggage to be carrying around.  It all started when I was dating my now hubby, Ty.  Within our 9 month courtship I gained 5 pounds.  No big deal.  Then we got married and I swiftly settled into how comfortable I was with him and my culinary skills (or lack thereof) were not helping.  We ate out a lot in the beginning and then I discovered a cookbook that helped me come up with a meal plan that really sunk me into a hole full of yummy food and extra weight.  By that Christmas I was already at 150 and by the following summer I was at the heaviest I'd ever been at 170.  UGH.  Not cool Dave.  I lost about 10 pounds after going on a diet "prescribed" to be by my chiropractor.  Then my miscarriage happened and I gained all that back.  I did HCG for awhile, but it wasn't working for me so I left it in the dust.  Deciding I needed to take charge of my weight loss I started working out and counting calories, which helped me loose 9 lbs. and put me back in the mid-150's.  Theeeen Thanksgiving and Christmas happened.  Need I say more?  By New Year's I hit my 170 mark again.  After nearly 4 months I'm back down to 141.5 (almost my wedding weight)! 

    I think you can understand why I've been neglecting this blog quite a bit.  My regular blog has also taken a little bit of a hit considering my weight loss journey has pretty much taken priority over everything.  However, I do need to be better about taking pictures of the other things I do.  Life is amazing right now.  Which is really the basis of this post.  My weight loss has been so consuming  that I haven't given much thought to the whole getting pregnant business.  It's been good to have this project to use as my focus and I will continue concentrating on maintaining once I've lost all of my weight.  It's hard work, but I'm so pleased with how far I've come.  Another benefit to loosing the weight is that once I do conceive, I won't feel as though I have as much to loose as I would if I had gotten pregnant sooner.  Horrah for me!

There you have it

    Remember last time I posted about not having my "O" day, but that I had some spotting when I was due for my period?  Well, I tested today (two weeks later) to see if maybe there was something good happening.  Nope.  Once again, I received a negative result.  Ya know, I'm kinda tired of those.  It's really gotten quite old.  At the same time, I think of it as a good thing.  As I try to loose weight right now, it would really hinder me from meeting my goals.  Not that it would be the end of the world.  I would just like to get to a good weight before I pack more on with a baby.  And that's something I NEED to do for me. 

    I've been watching Biggest Loser and this season Sara has touched my heart deeply.  I did a little bit of digging and put the pieces together that she is LDS.  Yay!  We also were both married in March of 2008.  Um, AWESOME.  So basically, we've both been trying to have babies for the same amount of time.  Can you see why I feel so connected to her story?  When I watched the premiere episode and it showed Sarah and her story, I looked at my husband and said NBC were really big jerks.  ;)  I think a lot of women will be able to relate to her story and I'm so glad that she has been brave enough to share it.  You can join Sarah's Facebook fan page here. 

    In the end I want to have the same goal that Sarah has.  Not let the reason I can't carry a baby be my weight.  If my body isn't meant to get pregnant, fine.  However, I won't let it be because of something I could have prevented.  Who's with me?!

Where's my "O" day?

    I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since Christmas.  We loved hanging out with family, but it's been so great to be home.  December seemed to fly by and I can tell January is going to be much the same.

    Okay, so about the title.  Though, I was determined to be relaxed and enjoy my husband, I was still a little taunted by the continuous negative results of my ovulation tests throughout December.  I tested every day beginning on Day 10 of my cycle and finished on Day 20.  I can never make sense of those blasted lines that are supposed to give you a quite serious answer, so I use digital ones to be completely sure.  Yes, they are more expensive, but I think it's worth it if I don't have to second guess.  I digress.  Amongst all that testing, I never once saw a positive smiley face.  Whereas, the month previous I did.  Grrrrrrrr.   Then on my Day 30, I had some spotting for about a day and that was it.  Nothing else.  What am I supposed to do with that?!  Lately, I've been feeling pretty tired.  ALL DAY LONG.  It prompts me to think that I might be pregnant, since that's what happened with my pregnancy before.  However, my experience has made me extremely cautious.  I haven't even said it out loud or mentioned it to my hubby.

    For now, I decided I'm going to focus and concentrate on loosing weight.  All that "holiday cheer" I was digesting put me back at my heaviest and I'm wanting to retreat from it as soon as possible.  I've devised a plan and have already put it into action.  Within a couple of weeks (or days if I get too anxious) I'll test and find out for sure if I'm carrying something more than just extra weight.  I'll tell you, it's difficult for me to not daydream that it is and that I can soon facebook announce with everyone else that I've pregnancy news to share.  Thoughts like that can be good, but very dangerous at the same time.  I want to let myself feel that surge of hope and anticipation.  The last 2 1/2 years of disappointment keep me from getting too comfortable with the idea.

    I want to take a minute to thank those who have commented, emailed, and took the time to share your stories with me.  Every time I read something from one of you, my heart grows full and I know that WE are not alone.  We are each unique in our circumstance and situation in life and yet there is one thing that brings us together.  We are women who truly want to be good and loving mothers.  You all have inspired me to not loose hope and carry on.  Did you all know how amazing you are?  Because it's absolutely true!  Thank you again for your love and supportive words.

Everybody

    Yesterday, I was baking some yummy brownies and I had a playlist going from The Mormon Bachelor(ette), and the song "Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson came on.  This is one of my favorite songs.  Whenever I hear it I burst out singing along.  I'm sure my neighbors are my biggest fans.  The amount of times I've put that song on repeat and pushed back to hear it again shows that yesterday wasn't the first time I've heard the song.  However, somehow it was the first time I heard the lyrics and really made a connection to my own situation.





    All of a sudden, it was like she was telling my story.  When I miscarried, I felt like I had fell down and couldn't get back up.  I kept trying to get myself to feel better, but what I really needed was the Lord to help me with that.  I needed His love.  When she sings, "Happy is the heart that still feels pain," it just rings true.  "Darkness drains and light will come again," speaks of hope to me.  I just need to let my Heavenly Father take that burden of sadness from me.  You could really add "of/by Christ" afterward when she sings "love".  I just have to be open to it.

    Today's a good day.  I have this song on continuous repeat (I promise I'll change it to a Holiday playlist soon), all of my Christmas shopping is done, and there is snow on the ground.  Life is pretty good in this moment.