To a New Year

       Now that life has come back to normal, I thought I'd check in and update on how I'm doing.  Mostly good.  I have loved the ability to take care of my family.  Anna has been so good and is amazingly smart and funny.  She constantly cracks us up.  We went home for Thanksgiving and stayed here, in Utah, for Christmas.  After this year, we decided that we'll plan on doing it like this every year, depending on our situation.  It was a lot of fun to doing our own traditions and Skyping with families.

      I won't lie to you though.  I've had moments of serious depression.  Looking back on what happened  makes me incredibly sad that I've cried until I felt numb.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm okay with that.  I just can't help feeling upset that it happened at all.  Especially, at times when I would have reached certain milestones.  Halloween, I would have announced publicly that I was pregnant.  The Monday before Christmas I would have been 20 weeks and finding out the gender.  It's hard to not feel a certain amount of self pity.  I know I shouldn't, but I'm imperfect. I would be completely dishonest if I said that I'm always okay.  I keep a little piece of what happened with me all the time.

      I still know that there's a someone waiting to join our family, but I don't feel the same amount of urgency that I did before.  For now, I'm taking a break from actively trying to get pregnant.  There's still a good amount of weight for me to lose, so I'm using this New Year to restart that focus.  I've already made plans and set rewards for myself (because that's how I stay motivated).  If I get pregnant before then, then I will be so happy, but I'm not planning anything.  If I don't get pregnant in a few months after losing a good amount of weight, I'll reevaluate things then.  Like I said, right now my focus is on getting back to a better figure.

      I love my little family and I'm excited for it to get bigger.  I hope that through working on my weight, I'll be able to work on my mind and bring it the peace it needs to move on.  This year will be interesting and Ty and I have made a few goals for our family.  Mostly, ways to stay active and places in Utah to go. This will give us an opportunity to get out and enjoy life more fully, together.  As Anna gets older I want her to have memories of us doing things together and I want to be able to keep those things up with any other kids we have.  Here's to a New Year!