To a New Year

       Now that life has come back to normal, I thought I'd check in and update on how I'm doing.  Mostly good.  I have loved the ability to take care of my family.  Anna has been so good and is amazingly smart and funny.  She constantly cracks us up.  We went home for Thanksgiving and stayed here, in Utah, for Christmas.  After this year, we decided that we'll plan on doing it like this every year, depending on our situation.  It was a lot of fun to doing our own traditions and Skyping with families.

      I won't lie to you though.  I've had moments of serious depression.  Looking back on what happened  makes me incredibly sad that I've cried until I felt numb.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm okay with that.  I just can't help feeling upset that it happened at all.  Especially, at times when I would have reached certain milestones.  Halloween, I would have announced publicly that I was pregnant.  The Monday before Christmas I would have been 20 weeks and finding out the gender.  It's hard to not feel a certain amount of self pity.  I know I shouldn't, but I'm imperfect. I would be completely dishonest if I said that I'm always okay.  I keep a little piece of what happened with me all the time.

      I still know that there's a someone waiting to join our family, but I don't feel the same amount of urgency that I did before.  For now, I'm taking a break from actively trying to get pregnant.  There's still a good amount of weight for me to lose, so I'm using this New Year to restart that focus.  I've already made plans and set rewards for myself (because that's how I stay motivated).  If I get pregnant before then, then I will be so happy, but I'm not planning anything.  If I don't get pregnant in a few months after losing a good amount of weight, I'll reevaluate things then.  Like I said, right now my focus is on getting back to a better figure.

      I love my little family and I'm excited for it to get bigger.  I hope that through working on my weight, I'll be able to work on my mind and bring it the peace it needs to move on.  This year will be interesting and Ty and I have made a few goals for our family.  Mostly, ways to stay active and places in Utah to go. This will give us an opportunity to get out and enjoy life more fully, together.  As Anna gets older I want her to have memories of us doing things together and I want to be able to keep those things up with any other kids we have.  Here's to a New Year!

Tender Mercies

      It's been a long time since I last wrote on this blog. Life happened. What else can I say? We had our beautiful daughter, Anna, and she has grown into a funny and spunky little toddler. She's amazing and will constantly surprise us with how smart she is. We adore her. She is such a blessing in our lives.

      After Anna was born, I knew we shouldn't wait long before trying again for another. However, I held fast to the plan of losing the weight I had gained with pregnancy before having another child. I had hoped that breast feeding would help, but it was much more of a hindrance in that way than I originally thought. It took a long time before I felt ready and I still haven't lost all the weight. When it's time, though, you can't really argue with what you know Heavenly Father has need of you to do. 

      These past few weeks have been quite out of the ordinary. I want to share my experiences and this is the safest place I could think of. I don't mind who sees it or how many, but it's not something I know how to express to a large group without coming off as trying to seek attention. That's not what this is. It's just me releasing it from myself, a way to file it away and not be consumed by it. 

      My first post on this blog, I shared my miscarriage experience. This will be somewhat different. Let me just get started. We have been trying for another baby since about February. In July, I made a stronger effort to lose weight and was doing really well and being very consistent with my workouts. Then, the Tuesday after Labor Day, when both of our parents had left to go back to Washington, I had a very strong impression to take a pregnancy test. It was POSITIVE! I was only four weeks along and I knew I was setting myself up for the torture of not being able to tell anyone. However, I was just too excited that this blessing was happening. That first week I was having low back pain and couldn't control anxieties I was having about things going smoothly. I tried taking it easier and switch my workouts to prenatal yoga hoping that it would relax the tension that my body was creating. It helped some, but the pain always seemed to return in full force later on. 

      The next Tuesday morning (5 weeks) I woke up with what felt like intense gas pains. I couldn't lie down because it was so uncomfortable and even standing gave no relief. I though maybe I just needed to pass gas or go to the bathroom. I did whatever I could think of, but nothing helped. Then, I started to bleed. Not heavily, still light, but the color was either bright red or dark. This was an ominous sign to me. That what I had been hoping for was ending before it really had a chance to get started. My mind went to my earlier miscarriage and I felt no hope. By the end of the night I was sure I was experiencing yet another miscarriage. 

      The bleeding was still light in flow, but dark in color and lasted only two days. My sister-in-law had told me she had experienced the same during one of her pregnancies and I'll admit a small amount of hope return. I still couldn't could completely shake the feeling that it was over, however. The bleeding came back intermittently, in the same form. I was beginning to be frustrated. Despite wanting another child and muscle testing telling me things were fine, I felt more comfortable saying that this pregnancy had ended. That trying to hope for something that just wasn't really happening was forcing hope. We talked with Ty's dad and he confirmed with muscle testing that I had had a miscarriage. 

      Monday (6 weeks), I woke up around 5 AM, again with intense pains that I associated with gas pains. Immediately, I went into the bathroom. My abdomen was in so much pain, as well as rectal and vaginal region. I also became light headed and nauseated. I could feel the need to throw up, but was concerned that if I did, I would pass out. After trying to work through on my own for a bit, I called for Ty and he luckily heard me the first time and came to my aid. 

      I told him what I was feeling and that I needed to hold onto him for support. Eventually, I did throw up, but it did nothing to relieve my abdominal pain or the lightheadedness. After awhile, I was so exhausted and just wanted to lie down. Even though I was still in pain, with Ty's help, I was able to lay in bed and managed to get some sleep. Ty worked from home that day to take care of Anna and myself. We're really blessed that we have that option. I stayed in bed most of the day and noticed a pain in neck and shoulders had developed. I couldn't move from side to side without pain, I couldn't breathe properly. Laughing or crying caused pain. In general, I was a mess. 

      The next day, Tuesday, I felt a little better. The pain in my neck and shoulders was gone and that provided the most relief. I still had trouble standing, walking, and sitting for the most part. However, I had Visiting Teaching planned and thought I should at least try to get ready for it. In a merciful turn of events, both my partner and the lady we were to visit, cancelled and I didn't need to go. Ty was able to go to work in the afternoon and I was hopeful that I would feel better soon. 

      Wednesday morning, I continued to feel slightly better and Ty went into work. By mid afternoon, however, things reverted and it felt as bad as the first day, with the exception on the neck and shoulder pain. I couldn't lay down. The only position that provided relief was sitting on the toilet. I went back and forth from the bathroom to the living room to make sure Anna was preoccupied with enough Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I could tell things were not okay and that I needed to be looked at. I just didn't know if it should be at a clinic or the ER. I knew that Ty was going to be home a few minutes late, but when 5:30 came around, I couldn't resist calling him. It wasn't until then that I realized how bad I was really doing. In the mirror, I could  see how pale I had become in a short time and my voice sounded off as well. He answered and said he was just leaving and would go get something for dinner and would be home soon. I said okay, but inside, I wanted him to come straight home. 

      As I was on the phone with him, I could feel myself becoming more lightheaded, but thought I could breathe through it. Almost immediately after hanging up, I could feel myself falling to the ground, but don't have memory of it. Next thing I knew, Ty was calling my name from my phone. Somehow, I had called him again. I told him that he needed to come home. That something was very wrong. He said he was coming home and that I was freaking him out. I responded that I was freaking out. He asked if he needed to call an ambulance and I said maybe. He said that he was hurrying and would be home soon. We hung up and I tried to get back up to sitting on the toilet. As soon as I did, I felt myself falling again. Once again, I passed out and when I regained consciousness I was laying on the floor. I must have bit my tongue, but otherwise was unharmed. Anna had been in our room and kept walking around me acting upset. I told her to go watch her Mickey and very slowly tried to get ready to leave. 

      When Ty came home, I told him I was not okay. He took Anna down into the car and then came back to get me and anything we would need. As we walked down the stairs, I told Ty that I had a suspicion it was a ectopic pregnancy because many of my symptoms fit. The drive to the hospital was not pleasant as every bump caused me pain. When we arrived at the ER, Ty helped me to a seat and then went to park the car and bring in Anna. As soon as I sat down, it felt like I was going to pass out, yet again. Before I knew it, nurses were helping me up and onto a gurney and rolling me away to an ER room. Immediately, they started hooking me up to all kinds of things in both arms. Ty had told them when he walked in that I had had a positive pregnancy test and was now having abdominal pain (which is why I was taken care of so swiftly). The ER doctor asked me about it and I explained what had happened and that I thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy. 

      She did a quick ultrasound and then brought in an ultrasound tech to do a more thorough one to confirm. I was doing fine and then they put a triangular bolster under my hips and the pain returned. The pressing on my lower abdomen for the ultrasound only made it worse. The pain didn't go away when she finished or when the bolster was removed. The doctor confirmed that I had a tubal pregnancy and it appeared to have ruptured. She told me that the OB would be there shortly to explain more and what would happen next. 

      Shortly after that, once again, I felt like I was going pass out. I told the nurse sitting next to me and he calmly helped me work through it. At the same time, the OB came in. He was very kind and held my hand as he explained what was going on. I had a tubal pregnancy that had ruptured and he would need to do surgery to repair the damage. He explained the laparoscopic surgery and what would happen. They were asking me questions, but it was so hard to answer them because I was focusing so hard on not passing out. It did finally pass and they started getting me ready for surgery. 

      At that point, they were just waiting for the anesthesiologist. Because of the constant passing out, the ER doctor was concerned about getting my blood transfusion early enough and was considering putting in a central line into my neck. Luckily, they were able to contact the anesthesiologist and they were able to put the IV in my arm. Soon they were wheeling me off to the OR. Before going in, I said quick goodbyes and gave kisses to Ty and Anna. As I rolled into the OR, I couldn't help thinking how ironic the situation was considering my preferred birth plans. I told the crew, "You wanna know something funny? I had a home birth." We all laughed, but agreed that for this situation it was definitely the appropriate place to be. 

      They put the oxygen mask on me and soon I fell into unconsciousness. When I woke up, I had thought I dreamt everything, but then realized where I was. Coming out of anesthesia is very strange. It was also very late, so I would have been normally tired anyway. No matter how tired I was though, I wouldn't be able to ignore the pain. I rated it at an 8 or 9. When they took me to my recovery room, Ty was already there waiting. I love him. 

      I was put on Percocet and Ibuprofen for my pain and it helped manage it well. When I saw my OB the next day he explained what had taken place. The rupture had caused me to bleed internally  and he had to do an open surgery. Meaning my incision is like a ceseasan. He had to remove 3 units/over 1 liter of blood. He also had to clean my organs because they were covered in blood. Last, but not least, he had to remove my left Fallopian tube. My ovary is fine, but there was too much damage to the tube. He told us that this would decrease our chances of getting pregnant by 15-20%. However, there are options like IVF. We'll see what the future brings, but I'm staying optimistic. 

      Because of my type of surgery and incision, the doctor required me to stay at the hospital at least until that Saturday. Anna stayed with Ty's brother and his wife and we were told she was an angel. Ty was able to stay with me the whole time in the hospital and work from his laptop. I will never stop being grateful for that. After my catheter was removed I was required to walk at least three times a day. This was impossible without assistance. Ty helped me with everything that required me to get out of bed. If true love is seeing your significant other at their worst and loving them anyway, then Ty is more madly in love with me than I ever knew. Which makes me love him all the more. 

      All the time in the hospital we didn't see our lovely girl and missed her immensely. When Ty's brother, Nathan, arrived with our baby girl, we were so excited. In the next couple of days, we realized the effect our crazy surprise had on her. We are in the habit of explaining ahead of time any change or big event to her because this has always prepared her well. After we talked to her and explained how much we missed her and why we had let her stay with Nathan and Celia, she returned to her sweet self. 

       My mom arrived on Tuesday evening and will be here for the next couple of weeks. At least until I've recovered. Anna is loving having her Nana here and my mom is over the moon to spend time with her as well. 

      It wasn't until I came home and had time to myself that I was able to fully process what had happened. I felt guilty for not going in sooner. For not being able to explain to Anna earlier so she didn't feel blind sighted. For all the work and stress it put on Ty. I felt sad because everything happened so fast that I hardly had a chance to grieve something I lost. Sad because now I have this incision that keeps me from just going back to normal right after all of this. Sad because of the pain. I'm doing better now, though I'm still anxious for our lives to return to normal. The greatest consolation in all of this is that I have a great faith in knowing that there's a spirit waiting to join our family. Someday they will. I'm not sure how or when, but it will happen. 

      I haven't talked to many people about it all. Most in the ward of our church don't know. Really only my visiting teacher and my visiting teaching partner know, who are both amazing and brought meals over. And our families. Everyone who is informed has been lovely. 

      I just hope that this can somehow be a remedy for something or someone. This whole life thing is hard. I'd like to believe that any difficult experiences we have or trials we face are not just to strengthen us or give us something to learn, but to help others through their own tragedies. We can only strive to buoy each other. 

Speak Up and Do Something

    Today, two amazing ladies talked about their personal struggles with becoming mothers and what they have experienced, on two different daytime talk shows, on two different networks.  On The View, Lisa Ling shared that she experienced a miscarriage recently and how it has affected her. Marissa Jaret Winokur spoke about her battle with cervical cancer and how she made the choice to move forward.




    When Lisa says that she felt like a failure and how she felt so alone, I thought that is the exact feeling I experienced and I believe many others have.  The point she makes about speaking up about miscarriage even though it is a sad topic.  It so therapeutic and comforting to talk about it for the women who have gone through such a loss.  If it's never spoken of, it feels like people are trying to push it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.  Well, just try and tell me my pregnancy didn't happen!  That my pain doesn't still exist.  I don't want to "suffer silently" anymore.  This blog is giving my emotions a voice.  Lisa has also partnered with Sophia Kim to create the site Secret Society of Women, where women can go and give voice to their untold thoughts on a variety of subjects. 



    I love Marissa.  She has a beautiful spirit about her and you can just tell that she's a huggy, touchy-feeling kinda gal and she would embrace you whole-heartedly.  I love how she said, "you kind of want someone to say, 'You know what, this SUCKS!".  I get so tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD be happy and to get over it.  What they don't understand is that I have to come to that on my own.  Like how after a week, for her, she decided she needed to be proactive and get out there and take back her life.  Now she has a beautiful little son.  This clip doesn't finish the rest of the segment with her and I wish that it did because she goes on to say, "Don't wait for a tragedy to really embrace your life."  That renewed in me the sense that I still do have a life to be leading.  If I hold myself back what kind of person and future mother would I be?  What kind of example does that set for the children I WILL have someday?  From today forward, I'm going to bring out a better me and do those things I've kept myself from doing.  No holding back.

And So It Begins....

    I almost don't know what to say or where to begin.  Life is full of unanswered questions that we are constantly seeking closure to.  How do we know where to find what we seek?  How can we begin to understand what we are told is truth?  At times we run in circles following the same path that leads to nowhere.  Is this where we feel most content?  Is this where we feel our safest?  I know, that makes absolutely no sense.  I told you I'm not sure where to begin.

    Let's start here:

Why did I start this blog?

    We all have our secrets.  Personally, I'm not a fan.  By keeping secrets from the world and internalizing our problems, it festers and instead we tell everyone our troubles through our actions and that can be cause further damage.  Secrets only create more sadness.  So this is where I share my secrets, tell you what, why, and how I'm feeling.  Specifically, about my journey to becoming a mother and struggles that are experienced along the way.

    To give some background on my story, my husband and I met in church, fell in love, and were married in March 2008.  After a few months we decided we were ready to start expanding our family.  After a little more than a year of being unsuccessful, in September of 2009 I took a pregnancy test to confirm that I was pregnant.  The joy I felt that I was finally able to have my own child was immense.  I wasted no time telling my husband and we proceeded to let the rest of our family know.  Two days later I was spotting and I was fearing the worst.  The spotting continued, but several pregnancy tests still confirmed that I was still carrying a child.  Everyone who knew of the situation continued to tell me that spotting was normal and that everything would be fine.  However, I knew something was NOT right, and despite their caring words, my doubts would not set to rest.  While trying to subdue my fears, I also had to pack our belongings since we were in the process moving.  By the end of week my concerns were growing and the spotting hadn't stopped and it felt like it was getting worse.  

    Moving day came and I was instructed by family to stay back and try to relax.  This didn't happen as the flow became heavier, bringing with it cramps and the knowing pain this pregnancy had gone as far as it could.  My mother came to be with me and soon took me to the E.R., where tests were done and confirmed what I already knew.  The doctor told me that my pregnancy had actually ended two weeks prior, but my body was now processing through it.  That meant that by the time I had found out I was pregnant, it was already over.

    For the next couple of weeks, I would cry myself to sleep.  How was I supposed to understand?  What was the eternal lesson in all of this?  Was it a joke?  Some sick, twisted, disturbed, unkind joke?  Why would my Heavenly Father give me this gift only to take it back just as quickly?

    That is my story of miscarriage.  I've come a long distance since that sad time.  Though I can't say that I'm over it.  How do you ever get over the loss of a child?  No matter what stage in life they were.  I wish I could have given you a happy ending, but I suppose the happy part is that isn't the ending.  My story is continuing on and I hope for a better future. 

    The point?  This is me coming forth and telling one of my secrets.  Miscarriage is one of those things that tends to get pushed under the rug and no one wants to bring up.  I want that cycle to break.  When you experience loss, heartache, or anything of negativity by keeping it to yourself you are not letting yourself heal.  I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but I know that it's out there and it's a step forward.