Dear Santa,

    This is year, what I really want is a baby.  Or to more realistically, to get pregnant.  If you could sprinkle some magic baby dust on me that would be good, as long as it hasn't expired.  Does that stuff ever expire?  I know I asked for this last year, and the year before, but I think wires might have gotten crossed because it seems like everyone else got pregnant.  Don't worry.  I'm not mad.  Let's just see if we can have better luck this year. 

   Anyway, I hope the reindeer are good and you travel safe.  Last night there was a lot of fog in our town, so you might want to polish Rudolph's nose for optimal brightness.

    Thanks!  And Merry Christmas!

    Jenny

Enjoying The Process

    When trying to have a baby, we put so much pressure on ourselves to "tell secrets" to our partners on the right days that it becomes more work than the enjoyable experience that is supposed to connect you together.  I get so much in my own head, "This is what we HAVE TO DO to make a baby."  Or, "It has to be tonight because otherwise I won't get pregnant."  The books, the websites, the statistics.  They must all know what they are talking about, because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.  We all do it, and then that doesn't just put pressure on ourselves, but our partners as well.

    Again, I'm going to show you a video clip.  What can I say?  I'm a product of the TV generation.  This is from Keeping up with the Kardashians, when Kourtney and Scott are trying to have another baby.  Skip to 00:50 to begin with for the right part and it goes to 02:12.  (Also, I'm not sure why, but the video is backwards.  It won't really matter other than the words.)



    Lately, I've realized that we have more fun and are more relaxed because we (okay, mostly just me) changed our mindset and attitude about what we're doing.  Instead of putting so much pressure on "if we don't get intimate now we're doing it all wrong and everything will be messed up", it's more of getting to enjoy each other on those days.  We have "off nights" and "on nights".  The waiting in between actually makes the other days more exciting and special.  I guess it's about remembering that you are attracted to the other person and that's why you feel compelled to be physical.

    Here's another clip from the show.  Kourtney just told Scott that he basically needs to do what she needs him to do in this department (and pretty rudely) and that it's not about having fun.  Scott goes outside upset and Kim tells Kourtney how much she is over-thinking things and then Kourtney goes to Scott.  Go to 01:34 for the right part.



    So, I'm not saying take the wanting-to-get-pregnant factor out of it because I KNOW how unrealistic that is.  However, put the romance back in it, remember that you love each other, that that's part of why you are trying to have a baby, and don't put so much pressure on yourselves.  And with that may we all love our lovers and become mommies soon!

Everybody

    Yesterday, I was baking some yummy brownies and I had a playlist going from The Mormon Bachelor(ette), and the song "Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson came on.  This is one of my favorite songs.  Whenever I hear it I burst out singing along.  I'm sure my neighbors are my biggest fans.  The amount of times I've put that song on repeat and pushed back to hear it again shows that yesterday wasn't the first time I've heard the song.  However, somehow it was the first time I heard the lyrics and really made a connection to my own situation.





    All of a sudden, it was like she was telling my story.  When I miscarried, I felt like I had fell down and couldn't get back up.  I kept trying to get myself to feel better, but what I really needed was the Lord to help me with that.  I needed His love.  When she sings, "Happy is the heart that still feels pain," it just rings true.  "Darkness drains and light will come again," speaks of hope to me.  I just need to let my Heavenly Father take that burden of sadness from me.  You could really add "of/by Christ" afterward when she sings "love".  I just have to be open to it.

    Today's a good day.  I have this song on continuous repeat (I promise I'll change it to a Holiday playlist soon), all of my Christmas shopping is done, and there is snow on the ground.  Life is pretty good in this moment.

Good Start

    Yesterday, I got a good start on getting in shape.  I did about 40 minutes of yoga.  Confession:  It was a pregnancy yoga.  I'm a beginner and I don't know what I'm doing and I found it very relaxing.  I did the "Crunch:  Yoga Momma" on Netflix Instant, if anyone is interested.  Later, I got on my treadmill and did about 25 minutes.  I'm going to try and train myself to actually jog/run a 5k.  I know I can walk it, but I want run it.  Then, when my cute husband got home he and I did some calisthenics and lifted weights for about 20 minutes or so.  It felt really good be active and exercising.  I want to continue this and workout every other day, until I'm super HOTT.

Funny Story

    Earlier, I was getting ready to go a matinee with my cute husband.  I was in the middle of my shower and he tells me that his parents are in town and coming over in a few minutes.  Gah!  I hurriedly finished the shower and then realized that the garbage needed to be emptied.  Especially, if they possibly used the bathroom since I'm on my period and...well you get the picture.  I took the bag out of the can and tied it, then called for my husband.  He came to the top of the stairs and I asked him to throw the bag away and get a new one to replace it.

    "I don't really want your parents knowing I'm on my period, " I said.  At that moment, my husband made a look and motion that let me know they were sitting downstairs.  Sheer mortification built up inside myself.  Awwwwwwwkward! 

    After that, I went back to getting ready, though not quick enough to see his parents off before they left.  Probably a good thing considering how embarrassed I was.  My husband tried to assure me that they didn't hear anything, but I'm not so convinced.  Ugh!  We need a code or something so I can prevent future humiliation.

Speak Up and Do Something

    Today, two amazing ladies talked about their personal struggles with becoming mothers and what they have experienced, on two different daytime talk shows, on two different networks.  On The View, Lisa Ling shared that she experienced a miscarriage recently and how it has affected her. Marissa Jaret Winokur spoke about her battle with cervical cancer and how she made the choice to move forward.




    When Lisa says that she felt like a failure and how she felt so alone, I thought that is the exact feeling I experienced and I believe many others have.  The point she makes about speaking up about miscarriage even though it is a sad topic.  It so therapeutic and comforting to talk about it for the women who have gone through such a loss.  If it's never spoken of, it feels like people are trying to push it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.  Well, just try and tell me my pregnancy didn't happen!  That my pain doesn't still exist.  I don't want to "suffer silently" anymore.  This blog is giving my emotions a voice.  Lisa has also partnered with Sophia Kim to create the site Secret Society of Women, where women can go and give voice to their untold thoughts on a variety of subjects. 



    I love Marissa.  She has a beautiful spirit about her and you can just tell that she's a huggy, touchy-feeling kinda gal and she would embrace you whole-heartedly.  I love how she said, "you kind of want someone to say, 'You know what, this SUCKS!".  I get so tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD be happy and to get over it.  What they don't understand is that I have to come to that on my own.  Like how after a week, for her, she decided she needed to be proactive and get out there and take back her life.  Now she has a beautiful little son.  This clip doesn't finish the rest of the segment with her and I wish that it did because she goes on to say, "Don't wait for a tragedy to really embrace your life."  That renewed in me the sense that I still do have a life to be leading.  If I hold myself back what kind of person and future mother would I be?  What kind of example does that set for the children I WILL have someday?  From today forward, I'm going to bring out a better me and do those things I've kept myself from doing.  No holding back.

And So It Begins....

    I almost don't know what to say or where to begin.  Life is full of unanswered questions that we are constantly seeking closure to.  How do we know where to find what we seek?  How can we begin to understand what we are told is truth?  At times we run in circles following the same path that leads to nowhere.  Is this where we feel most content?  Is this where we feel our safest?  I know, that makes absolutely no sense.  I told you I'm not sure where to begin.

    Let's start here:

Why did I start this blog?

    We all have our secrets.  Personally, I'm not a fan.  By keeping secrets from the world and internalizing our problems, it festers and instead we tell everyone our troubles through our actions and that can be cause further damage.  Secrets only create more sadness.  So this is where I share my secrets, tell you what, why, and how I'm feeling.  Specifically, about my journey to becoming a mother and struggles that are experienced along the way.

    To give some background on my story, my husband and I met in church, fell in love, and were married in March 2008.  After a few months we decided we were ready to start expanding our family.  After a little more than a year of being unsuccessful, in September of 2009 I took a pregnancy test to confirm that I was pregnant.  The joy I felt that I was finally able to have my own child was immense.  I wasted no time telling my husband and we proceeded to let the rest of our family know.  Two days later I was spotting and I was fearing the worst.  The spotting continued, but several pregnancy tests still confirmed that I was still carrying a child.  Everyone who knew of the situation continued to tell me that spotting was normal and that everything would be fine.  However, I knew something was NOT right, and despite their caring words, my doubts would not set to rest.  While trying to subdue my fears, I also had to pack our belongings since we were in the process moving.  By the end of week my concerns were growing and the spotting hadn't stopped and it felt like it was getting worse.  

    Moving day came and I was instructed by family to stay back and try to relax.  This didn't happen as the flow became heavier, bringing with it cramps and the knowing pain this pregnancy had gone as far as it could.  My mother came to be with me and soon took me to the E.R., where tests were done and confirmed what I already knew.  The doctor told me that my pregnancy had actually ended two weeks prior, but my body was now processing through it.  That meant that by the time I had found out I was pregnant, it was already over.

    For the next couple of weeks, I would cry myself to sleep.  How was I supposed to understand?  What was the eternal lesson in all of this?  Was it a joke?  Some sick, twisted, disturbed, unkind joke?  Why would my Heavenly Father give me this gift only to take it back just as quickly?

    That is my story of miscarriage.  I've come a long distance since that sad time.  Though I can't say that I'm over it.  How do you ever get over the loss of a child?  No matter what stage in life they were.  I wish I could have given you a happy ending, but I suppose the happy part is that isn't the ending.  My story is continuing on and I hope for a better future. 

    The point?  This is me coming forth and telling one of my secrets.  Miscarriage is one of those things that tends to get pushed under the rug and no one wants to bring up.  I want that cycle to break.  When you experience loss, heartache, or anything of negativity by keeping it to yourself you are not letting yourself heal.  I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but I know that it's out there and it's a step forward.