And So It Begins....

    I almost don't know what to say or where to begin.  Life is full of unanswered questions that we are constantly seeking closure to.  How do we know where to find what we seek?  How can we begin to understand what we are told is truth?  At times we run in circles following the same path that leads to nowhere.  Is this where we feel most content?  Is this where we feel our safest?  I know, that makes absolutely no sense.  I told you I'm not sure where to begin.

    Let's start here:

Why did I start this blog?

    We all have our secrets.  Personally, I'm not a fan.  By keeping secrets from the world and internalizing our problems, it festers and instead we tell everyone our troubles through our actions and that can be cause further damage.  Secrets only create more sadness.  So this is where I share my secrets, tell you what, why, and how I'm feeling.  Specifically, about my journey to becoming a mother and struggles that are experienced along the way.

    To give some background on my story, my husband and I met in church, fell in love, and were married in March 2008.  After a few months we decided we were ready to start expanding our family.  After a little more than a year of being unsuccessful, in September of 2009 I took a pregnancy test to confirm that I was pregnant.  The joy I felt that I was finally able to have my own child was immense.  I wasted no time telling my husband and we proceeded to let the rest of our family know.  Two days later I was spotting and I was fearing the worst.  The spotting continued, but several pregnancy tests still confirmed that I was still carrying a child.  Everyone who knew of the situation continued to tell me that spotting was normal and that everything would be fine.  However, I knew something was NOT right, and despite their caring words, my doubts would not set to rest.  While trying to subdue my fears, I also had to pack our belongings since we were in the process moving.  By the end of week my concerns were growing and the spotting hadn't stopped and it felt like it was getting worse.  

    Moving day came and I was instructed by family to stay back and try to relax.  This didn't happen as the flow became heavier, bringing with it cramps and the knowing pain this pregnancy had gone as far as it could.  My mother came to be with me and soon took me to the E.R., where tests were done and confirmed what I already knew.  The doctor told me that my pregnancy had actually ended two weeks prior, but my body was now processing through it.  That meant that by the time I had found out I was pregnant, it was already over.

    For the next couple of weeks, I would cry myself to sleep.  How was I supposed to understand?  What was the eternal lesson in all of this?  Was it a joke?  Some sick, twisted, disturbed, unkind joke?  Why would my Heavenly Father give me this gift only to take it back just as quickly?

    That is my story of miscarriage.  I've come a long distance since that sad time.  Though I can't say that I'm over it.  How do you ever get over the loss of a child?  No matter what stage in life they were.  I wish I could have given you a happy ending, but I suppose the happy part is that isn't the ending.  My story is continuing on and I hope for a better future. 

    The point?  This is me coming forth and telling one of my secrets.  Miscarriage is one of those things that tends to get pushed under the rug and no one wants to bring up.  I want that cycle to break.  When you experience loss, heartache, or anything of negativity by keeping it to yourself you are not letting yourself heal.  I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but I know that it's out there and it's a step forward.