Epiphany

    Lately, my body has been having issues to say the least.  In our family, we turn to muscle testing (also know as Applied Kinesiology).  Ty's dad has become our family go to person for this.  Some of the things we have learned about it have been really interesting.  For instance, a few days ago when I had my negative pregnancy test I started feeling bad, for a lack of a better word at the moment, and it progressively got worse throughout the day without any cause.  This feeling lasted for days!  On Sunday we asked my father-in-law to do some testing for me for energy and the cravings I've been having with my diet.  One of the results was that I had a trapped darkness in accordance with my energy.  There was the word I was looking for to put to the feeling that I was having.  A Darkness.

    Anyway, the point of this is that I have become pretty good at being in tune with my body and emotions.  I have a tendency to take the time to figure out why I do things or act a certain way.  Recently, I sort of had this epiphany about myself.  I haven't forgiven my body for having a miscarriage and still not being able to get pregnant.  It's almost as though my mind and my body are in a silent treatment argument with each other.  It sounds a little off, but let me divulge a little bit.

    Let's say I saw a really amazing purse that I really, really wanted.  Many friends and relatives have the same style of purse and seeing them with theirs is hard since I know how much I would like to have it.  However, as much as I want it I can't afford to buy it.  Or something just keeps coming up and I'm not able to get it.  Finally, my husband gets it for me as a gift.  Before I can really enjoy it though, a friend takes it and basically ruins it and it's destroyed.  I could tell you right now that that friend wouldn't be a friend for a whole lot longer.  How could they just take something when they knew how much it meant to me to have it?

    Do you see the similitude here?  The friend is my body (because for better or worse you should be a friend to yourself) and the purse is a baby.  If a friend had taken something from me like that, it would really hard for me to forgive them completely and trust them once again.  I feel like that's my situation with my mind and my body.  When I had my miscarriage, I had my time to be angry with my Heavenly Father, but I never thought about forgiving myself and letting my body off the hook for it.  There's a strong possibility that I will have more muscle testing done to relieve the trapped emotions from this newly realized issue.  As well as a lot of prayer and spiritual guidance.  It's amazing what we learn about ourselves if we just take the time to listen.

My insides are having issues

    There are times where I feel like my body doesn't know what it wants.  Ugh.  After I took the pregnancy test and found out that I'm (again) not pregnant, I think I took it harder than I was letting on, on here.  Then, yesterday I had a little bit of spotting, not much.  In fact it seemed like it was doing the same thing it had done a few weeks ago.  By the end of the day it was gone.  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  My guess:  Eating all those sweets and bad, bad junk food had a negative effect on my system.  You know how some girls who are too heavy don't get their period.  I think I was going through the same thing.  Which is weird because the last time I had gotten to this weight, I had my period for like a month and a half to two months.  Yeah, my cycles suck.  Anyway, I think it stopped this time.  And working out and loosing weight is like jump starting it.  Either way, it's just frustrating and I'm so far past done with it and just want to be normal.

There you have it

    Remember last time I posted about not having my "O" day, but that I had some spotting when I was due for my period?  Well, I tested today (two weeks later) to see if maybe there was something good happening.  Nope.  Once again, I received a negative result.  Ya know, I'm kinda tired of those.  It's really gotten quite old.  At the same time, I think of it as a good thing.  As I try to loose weight right now, it would really hinder me from meeting my goals.  Not that it would be the end of the world.  I would just like to get to a good weight before I pack more on with a baby.  And that's something I NEED to do for me. 

    I've been watching Biggest Loser and this season Sara has touched my heart deeply.  I did a little bit of digging and put the pieces together that she is LDS.  Yay!  We also were both married in March of 2008.  Um, AWESOME.  So basically, we've both been trying to have babies for the same amount of time.  Can you see why I feel so connected to her story?  When I watched the premiere episode and it showed Sarah and her story, I looked at my husband and said NBC were really big jerks.  ;)  I think a lot of women will be able to relate to her story and I'm so glad that she has been brave enough to share it.  You can join Sarah's Facebook fan page here. 

    In the end I want to have the same goal that Sarah has.  Not let the reason I can't carry a baby be my weight.  If my body isn't meant to get pregnant, fine.  However, I won't let it be because of something I could have prevented.  Who's with me?!

Where's my "O" day?

    I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since Christmas.  We loved hanging out with family, but it's been so great to be home.  December seemed to fly by and I can tell January is going to be much the same.

    Okay, so about the title.  Though, I was determined to be relaxed and enjoy my husband, I was still a little taunted by the continuous negative results of my ovulation tests throughout December.  I tested every day beginning on Day 10 of my cycle and finished on Day 20.  I can never make sense of those blasted lines that are supposed to give you a quite serious answer, so I use digital ones to be completely sure.  Yes, they are more expensive, but I think it's worth it if I don't have to second guess.  I digress.  Amongst all that testing, I never once saw a positive smiley face.  Whereas, the month previous I did.  Grrrrrrrr.   Then on my Day 30, I had some spotting for about a day and that was it.  Nothing else.  What am I supposed to do with that?!  Lately, I've been feeling pretty tired.  ALL DAY LONG.  It prompts me to think that I might be pregnant, since that's what happened with my pregnancy before.  However, my experience has made me extremely cautious.  I haven't even said it out loud or mentioned it to my hubby.

    For now, I decided I'm going to focus and concentrate on loosing weight.  All that "holiday cheer" I was digesting put me back at my heaviest and I'm wanting to retreat from it as soon as possible.  I've devised a plan and have already put it into action.  Within a couple of weeks (or days if I get too anxious) I'll test and find out for sure if I'm carrying something more than just extra weight.  I'll tell you, it's difficult for me to not daydream that it is and that I can soon facebook announce with everyone else that I've pregnancy news to share.  Thoughts like that can be good, but very dangerous at the same time.  I want to let myself feel that surge of hope and anticipation.  The last 2 1/2 years of disappointment keep me from getting too comfortable with the idea.

    I want to take a minute to thank those who have commented, emailed, and took the time to share your stories with me.  Every time I read something from one of you, my heart grows full and I know that WE are not alone.  We are each unique in our circumstance and situation in life and yet there is one thing that brings us together.  We are women who truly want to be good and loving mothers.  You all have inspired me to not loose hope and carry on.  Did you all know how amazing you are?  Because it's absolutely true!  Thank you again for your love and supportive words.